Sometimes You Just Can't Win...

I've been talking to a close friend of mine about how I tend to come off too harsh or "condescending" (as some have put it) when I speak. This only seems to be a problem with the college group I work with.

It's SOOOO hard to find a compromise between being assertive (and HEARD!) and being conscientious. If people knew how much effort I've found myself making to watch my tone and words, and how emotionally and mentally draining it is to do so ALL THE TIME, I wonder if they'd be so quick to misjudge me. They'd much rather just tune me out as soon as they see me open my mouth. And then if ANYONE else says the same exact thing that I've just been snubbed for... Oh my gosh!

I have to think that it can't be ALL my doing though. THEY need to take some responsibility. True, I have been a retreat counselor or Sunday School teacher for the majority of them, but does that justify the stares and rolling eyes I get when I share a thought or point something out. And, yes, there have been moments when I have spoken out of sheer frustration without buffering my emotions. But, honestly, who wouldn't be frustrated at having to repeat yourself OVER AND OVER again while you wait for those around you to stop fooling around and be serious for a moment.

Maybe I'm just too old for them... all the fooling around really annoys me now. You can only take so many crude jokes and ego-bashing! Or maybe I should start stroking some egos.

Am I to compromise my integrity and who God has made me? Am I to completely drain myself so that they might continue to feel as if they've got everything under control (even when it's obvious that they don't). Should I let things unravel and get out of control when EVERYTHING within me is telling me to take care of it BEFORE it gets out of hand...

Ugh, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I lose no matter what.

Should I lose myself to win the battle?

I just don't know anymore...

This little light of mine...

We are candles.
Formed by the hand of God;
lit by the passion (and sacrifice) of Christ.
The Holy Spirit fuels us to burn for Him.
God has placed
each person,
each laugh,
each tear...
in our lives
IN HIS WISDOM and FOR HIS GLORY
so that we might come together and illumine for Him.

*****

I think my mind is gravitating towards this illustration due to the fact that I've just "celebrated" another birthday... But, really, did you ever notice the heat that candles give off? One candle has just enough energy to light a small space and brings little warmth. But, when placed together, a group of candles spread (and share) their light and warmth to all around. The heat grows more and more intense and BRIGHTER as you add each candle. Just something that came to mind and made me think...