When It Rains, It Pours...

I tried to hide behind my stone wall
But you could see the tiny cracks
They deceived my stoic posture

I desperately tried to plug the leaking holes
But the dam let loose
The pent up emotions rushed out

The forecast called for clear skies tonight
But inside it poured

With bloodshot eyes I walk to my car
The bell tolled

I walked past a homeless couple bundled up, fighting the cold air
I, too, attempted to gather myself,
Wrapping my unraveled composure about me
Fighting the ambush of hot tears running down a stone face

I was soaked

The forecast called for clear skies
But inside, inside it poured

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My heart deceived me

New beginnings?

My friends' wedding has come and gone. Months of planning, researching, scheduling and countless discussions are done and over with. My job as "the wedding planner" is over.

I'm relieved/exhausted. Wanderlust.

I told myself I'd hold out until this next week is over. Hold on and hold my breath a little longer before I blow out these candles and slowly turn the page to the hopes and wishes that await me. Before I take wobbly steps forward to a life fully my own.

For the past year or so I've been perusing Craigslist. Looking at apartments and job openings in a few cities I've eagerly wanted to go to for over a year now. Creating imaginary budgets. Daydreaming about finally seeing something other than these all-too-familiar bleach-white walls of this ho-hum life of mine. My stomach flutters a little like it does when you catch the glance of that guy you've been crushing over all semester-long.

But things are coming up.
Family obligations again.
Fear of failure.
Fear I won't be accepted or fit in.

It's those same feelings I had my very first days of high school and summer camp.

[FYI: I've been known to be quite wall-flowerish and awkward at first. Some have mistaken my silence for snobbery.]

There are days I wonder if I should just do it. Go for it now and not wait 'til the spring like I'd originally planned.

But...

I must wait. Hold out a little longer. Cushion the finances a little more.

Plus, I like the idea of leaving in Spring. It's a time of new beginnings and fresh skies.

I like that.

I need that.

It may be what's keeping me going in this Cloroxed, sterile life.

Hope's Diamond

I used to daydream a lot when I was a young thing.

I'd had hopes of a huge wedding: an elegant affair of champagne and black ties. I'd wear Vera or Monique, he'd wear Armani. I'd polish my Asscher-cut diamond ring and slip on its matching band on that fateful day. There'd be a full band and loads of dancing and laughter...

We'd live in our suburban home with our 2.3 kids and our dog, Skippy. I'd work from home and be the epitome of Martha Stewart Home while balancing my successful career in fashion/interior design. I'd raise my genius children to be well-mannered and responsible human beings. My husband would be strapping, athletic and successful. (Oh, and funny... mustn't forget his contagious laughter and sense of humor!)

I would go to Africa and fight AIDS. Become a doctor and create some miracle cure-all.

Star in a major motion picture or go double-platinum in my solo music career.

I had BIG dreams back then.

As the years pass, I feel God chisel away at this gem of mine; these dreams and hopes I'd made and treasured as gold. And as He chips away at each flawed thought and hope, He reveals a purer and more beautiful thing my lame ideas had clouded and masked.

My hopes (I hope) are more streamlined these days. I'm striving for simplicity and fighting the urge to polish what's been done in me. What He's done (is doing) in me.

I don't know where He's taking me or why it seems like a lifetime away, but I eagerly await the day. The day when all of this FINALLY makes sense.


He's shaping new dreams out of this rough, jagged piece of coal.


He has BIG dreams for us.

I eagerly await the day...

"I'm finding myself at a loss for words..."

I'm finding myself in a somber mood. I blame the gray skies overhead these past few days.

Today I listened to a familiar song and it tugged at heartstrings I thought I'd pulled taught.

They let loose; I unraveled.

I am still unraveling as I take in more words, more thoughts.

I am thankful yet disheartened. Confident yet stepping away from the ledge. Hopeful in my lonesome state.

I breath in. I breathe out. Hopefully, each breath will bring me that much closer to life again.

I am coming out of this self-induced coma. I'm hoping and reaching for the light.

"I'm finding myself at a loss for words, but the funny this is, it's alright."