Fearless?

During my lunch today, I went down to my landlord's office to complain about the lights in my apartment -- the lights that have not been working for TEN STRAIGHT DAYS now! I confidently (and politely) asked for compensation for the month. He told me it was fine to not pay rent until he was sure the electrical problem was fixed.

You might ask why I bother to bring this up. Why this is so noteworthy as to post on this boring blog no one reads. I mention this because, well, had this been a few years ago, I don't think I would have been as bold.

I lacked the gumption I have now (or am learning to have).

I think about how far I've come. This meek little sparrow, so prone to hide in the shadows. I'm reserved still, yes, but... I'm OK with it.

Always have been actually.

I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm... (Not Really)

I'm sitting in my tried and true little neighborhood coffeeshop, Fido, at the coveted table by the outlets. The right leg elevated and resting on a chair to give my injured knee a bit of a reprieve from a day's worth of pounding the pavement and climbing stairs.

It's cold, so cold in here. I'm wondering if the guys in the kitchen are walking around in their skivvies, cranking up the AC so they won't succumb to the heat. You know what they say: "If you can't stand the heat... turn up the AC."

But, as cold as I am, as blue as my fingers and toes are turning and as red as my nose must be, I'd rather sit here in this arctic tundra than go home to a dark apartment and watch more movies.

It's funny, Frank Sinatra was playing on the speakers a short while ago... Crooning some nonsense about how love will keep you warm. Somehow, sitting here in the cold, ill-prepared for an indoor winterfest, I'm highly doubting any amount of lovey-doviness will keep me from hypothermia's doorstep.

My Poor Mother

I’m realizing that I’m actually enjoying singlehood. A little too much perhaps.

I think of friends who suffer unrequited love or disappointment and frustration with the opposite sex; and others, still, who long to be in “a relationship.”

Maybe finding myself living this Bohemian life – taking baths and living with scarcely any furnishings (or cash to remedy that), no TV or internet at the apartment (yet) – has somehow offered me a rare treasure: Solitude.

I’ve always been a bit of a loner – forever just a tad off center and out of the spotlight; marching (or skipping) to my own tune. Quirky. Trying to find humor and lightness wherever I can… knowing that dark days are bound to visit.

There are those who lose themselves in the fairytales of soul mates. and others who daydream, seeking out their idea of “perfection” in this very imperfect world. Some sulk or beat themselves up and wring their tear-soaked hands, sure that Cupid has missed the mark or forgotten them. In all of this clamor and dizziness, I’m finding the comfort of being alone. Knowing that it is only temporary and completely out of my hands like so many other things in my life, I’m enjoying the freedom of being unattached with new freshness.

I realize that for people like me who are prone to give too much of themselves and wear their resources thin, seasons of solitude are necessary. My head spins and my emotional fortitude wane as I think of how much it would take to care for someone the way he deserves (the way I would want for him to be loved and for him to love me) when I am still learning to love and trust these people who surround me now and slowly re-living this most sacred romance with my Savior.

Some envision falling in love to be a fiery storm of heated passion, whirlwinds that sweep you away and lightning strikes that ferociously land without warning. And, all my imagination can conjure are evenings of quiet, summer breezes: warm and inviting. Or of gentle streams that flow into grand rivers and oceans over time cradling two hearts along their placid currents. All I can do is wonder as I wait… a bit more patiently then before.

Dreams Haunt

Somewhere between my waking and sleeping, I had an eery dream that has left its haunting imprint on my soul all day. It lingers now beside me like a faint ghost of what is/should/may come...

I dreamt about my mother -- she was happy and smiley with her loud, boisterous hyena-like laugh ricocheting off the walls and invading the quiet of my mind.

We were celebrating something and anticipating the arrival of many guests, when... they walked in. The people with whom I'd had a bad falling out months ago as summer entered in. They looked happy to see me. I, although nervous, was happy to see them...

I have no idea why these people continue to find their way into my thoughts or why they chose to make an appearance in my dream (a rarity).

I'm baffled and confused.

I don't know what any of this means...