It's Not You, It's Me...

No, really! Maybe it is me after all...

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm still single. Completely unattached and having never even come close to it (the being attached). I'm beginning to believe something may actually be horribly wrong with me...

While on a short drive the other day, I realized something that saddened and scared me to the core - I have a problem trusting people, men in particular. The lingering aftershocks of my dad's betrayal of our family, I suppose.

There was a time in my life when I was completely at ease with guys. In fact, I'd had more guy friends than girls for most of my teen years. I was one of the boys. I look back on these last years since my parents' divorce and see that the faces in my circle have changed a great deal. Nary a man has been allowed to come close enough to see (and know) the real me. Save for one who took that privileged opportunity to see me and ripped my trust in him apart. And now here I am "[thirty-one], and well past my due date," to borrow from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

I'm (still) more broken than I feared. The cracks I've piled mortar in continue to tear. No matter how desperately I try to smooth out the surface, debris is everywhere lately. I'm falling apart.

I need to be restored. Again. I need to remind myself that I am loved. I need God to open my eyes (and heart) to the romance He started before a breath was taken or a word uttered from these lips. The love my wayward heart is so desperate to find - this life-altering, epic, shake-you-to-the-core love I dream about and long for - has already happened. It's already been poured out. I've been in the thick of this heated, passionate pursuit of His and turned a blind eye to it. Thankfully, despite me, His love (and forgiveness) knows no end. No matter how foolish, no matter the times I run toward other loves, Christ's love for me remains pure since the day He poured (His) life into me. And I know that as I crawl back, broken heart in hand, rejected and dismissed, He will remain.

Thankfully, this love story continues. Not because of anything I do. For once, I'm glad to say that it actually isn't about me at all.