Oh Bother... The New Kid on the Block.

I can be horribly shy. [I hate that about myself.] My insecurities or nervous awkwardness in new situations leaves me mute and hesitant to speak, worried I'll say the wrong things. Instead I observe, I wait, I prowl, looking for a moment to jump in.

Since I began attending liberti about 2 and a half months ago, I've found myself struggling to break out of my skin. Trying to feel my way around in a congregation where new faces and names (I often forget in minutes) are a constant, find me at a loss for words sometimes. My brain will continue to speak, pushing itself to run one more lap around this foreign terrain as I try to hide the nervousness in my eyes. In a matter of minutes, I'm left panting and uncomfortable itchy in my own skin. That is until I find an oasis of familiar faces amongst the sandstorm of strangers.

Despite my obvious introvertedness, part of me sees this time of transition as a path to rediscovery. A re-writing of the heroine in this play I've been acting out for the past 29 years.

This weekend my church is having a mini retreat for newcomers who want to connect and get to know people. It's the perfect opportunity to "plug in" and, hopefully, familiarize myself.

But the thing is, I find myself freakishly nervous and unsure. I know I should go. To not go would be hypocritical since it wasn't all that long ago when, as a college leader at my old church, I would encourage the incoming students to be proactive in getting to know people.

Sometimes my words/advice have a way of kicking me in the butt.

I mean, I'll go, I'm pretty sure of that. It's just how I go that befuddles me. Do I drive the 1.5 hours solo and use the time to gather/prepare myself? Or do I join the majority of people (strangers!) who are carpooling?

I dunno... Maybe I'll stew over what to do over a bowl of ice cream...

EDIT: I stewed too long over what to do and have missed the opportunity to go to the retreat (they've maxed out). Oh well, I guess I'll have to wait 'til April when the next one comes around.