The Fear You'll Leave

I had a dream the other day.

Yes, I realize this is no monumental feat since we all dream, but you must understand this: I rarely remember my dreams. They're too clouded by shear exhaustion, victims to a brain and memory that go on strike each night. The ones I do remember, however, haunt me. They linger and stake their claim to my days. Like a gnat searching for warmth, they stay close and pester me.


I dreamt I was married. Living a quiet life with my husband out in the old prairies. Making a home of our modest abode.

My Mr. was kind and handsome, tall and fit. He had a warm demeanor and there was a gentleness in his eyes. When he held me, the world melted away. I felt secure. Safe. Confident.

But it was when I wasn't in his arms, that my insecurities raised their hell.

I worried if he loved me. I was scared that he didn't care or find me desirable anymore.

I could see my anxiety wear away at his patience and yet I couldn't shake this plague of thoughts. It came to a point where he would hold me once again, wipe the tears and kiss my forehead, and yet, my doubt wouldn't subside.

I woke up at this point and that feeling of inadeqacy and self-doubt lingered. I have felt the weight of the world on my shoulders once again as my heart did it's bidding.

I'm afraid that this week my heart is up to no good...

Blogging, Squared.

I wrote the following in response to AllieDearest's last blog.

[Yes, I blogged within a blog... I wonder if I just started some apocalyptic chain of events in the blogoshere?!?!]

... i see the demolition tape all around. i can hear the jackhammers as His heart's beat grows louder in mine. and it terrifies me sometimes.

the pieces crumble, the cracks appear and i am not who i was.

i can't make sense of the rubble around me, but i need to remind myself to hold on, to trust and have faith.

but darn it, i keep getting my hands dirty, trying to interfere.

there i go again...

These have been an awkward few months for me. Knowing that I'm being called (lured) to another place and yet, unable to make the trek just yet. I'm not one of those spontaneous, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants types. I plan. I think. I budget. I try to save.

Though I know it's months away... I find my heart making its peace with this place. This city. This home that has begun to suffocate.

Slowly, I take in the surroundings.

Breathe in the air.

Breathe out the anxiety

whether it's the right thing to do.

In the quiet of sunset,

with the gentle breeze blowing,

the trees wave their farewells.

And I prepare.

My mind

My heart

My hopes

My nerves

For what lies ahead

Artificial Heart

I spent a full day gluttonously consuming an assortment of wondrously glorious grilled foods.

2 barbecues in less than 10 hours. I am full and sleepy even now as I relive it...

As I was leaving the home of my co-worker, she gave me a big bear hug and whispered in my ear "I love you."

Those words resounded in my body and sank like a boulder in my sea of thoughts.

"I love you"

I

LOVE

YOU

I've never been one to be open about my affections or endearment for others. Having had so many people in my life leave has caused me to be a bit callous. And it TERRIFIES me. I wonder aloud sometimes What the hell is wrong with you?!?! Why can't you just say it? It's just 3 little words.

But they're not. Not little in the least. Between the spaces, between the words and letters are intricately deep rivers of emotions.

Attachment.

History.

Connection.

Rivers that have been flooded with painful memories. Rivers I have drowned in and then been reborn through once His hand has pulled my out from the trenches of my sins and past. And yet those words... those little words. They get stuck in my throat like thistle.

I

LOVE

YOU



These 3 little words... Why do they intimidate me so?

It's hard to let go... to say farewell... to say your good-byes to something so familiar. To step out now into the undefined and trust His hand will guide you through the fog and disillusions.

Fin

After nearly 8 years of weekly practices and fun (and not so fun) times, I am closing the door to a small chapter of my life.

It is, in its most innocent ways, a bittersweet farewell... this letting go. But it's for the best. For me. For them. Time for a new group to come up - people, God-willing, more talented and spiritually equipped than I. Those with thicker skins and softer hearts.

New(ish) Stuff

There are some new things on the other blogger site.

Feel free to check them out if you like.

I won't be insulted (too much) if you don't. ;p

It's time we DTR

Today I am going to talk to my boss to discuss this summer. He and I are butting heads about my hours (or soon to be lack there of). I've been putting off talking to him about it. I blame my Koreanness and my distaste of confrontation.
Anyhow, so yeah, I will be speaking with him today. I don't know if it's the weather (gloomy and raining), my lack of sleep, or other factors, but today... well, it just feels off.
If you get the chance, please say a quick prayer.
- annieisoffkilter

True Irony...

... is when the boss who is NOTORIOUSLY LATE and NEVER responds to ANY calls, gets mad at the fact that someone else had him wait for once. Even more ironic is that he who purposefully tries to put people in their place and berates them, complains (whines, really) that the person who had him wait is showing him "disrespect."

I love my job.

Always Online...

People have been astonished at the fact that I can survive - am upright, really - with what little sleep I get in a day/night. I don't know what it is. Call it chronic, life-long insomnia or my fear of missing out (see blog below). I don't know. I just don't like the act of sleeping. Being inactive. Immobile. Offline.

It's catching up to me, however. Each morning is a battle that I lose.

Body-12182083, Annie-0

Hmm... Maybe I should "act my age" and head to bed at a more reasonable hour...

1am? Yes?

The Consequences of Aging... Gracefully?

I've always had these puffy little cushions under my eyes. They plump up when I smile. Surrounded by dark circles since as long as I can remember. Casualties of my many late nights as a child, never wanting to fall asleep for fear that I would miss out on something amazing.

Cover-up is my best friend, but...

My skin is not what it used to be. I think it's in some weird rebellious phase - reverting back to its Junior High pubescence. It's breaking out... all over.

*sigh*

Why is it that...

... you're never quite as popular as when you're about to leave or go through some MAJOR life-altering event?

Shouldn't you be thought of - and people want to share time with you - just because? No motives. Not because you're going away. Not because everyone's afraid you're going through some major meltdown... Just because. Because you're YOU and that's enough.

...

Just a thought.

On Slowing Down...

The official busy season here at work is drawing to a close (for the time being) and I'm finding myself... well, bored. Useless. Twiddling my thumbs and staring into space.

It's a dangerous place for me - this state of momentary pausing. Too much time and the mind starts to wander. It starts to go to places and dreams for the future. Traverses the past and present circumstances.

I search.
I wander.
I hunt.
And I wonder.

Trying to find your place in this world [that OLD Michael W. Smith songs starts resonating in my head] is a daunting task. I see glimpses of it, yes... but they're so fleeting. Like mosquitoes in those humid summer nights, they flit and flee... zooming by your ear. And when you turn to find them, they're gone... off to haunt another.

buzz...
Huh?
whizz...
Hmm?

Gone.

THITH THUCKS

So, I apparently bit both sides of my tongue whilst sleeping last night. Maybe I was hungry. Maybe I had a hankering for some chewing gum. I dunno. All I DO know is that my tongue hurts. It's swollen and uncomfortable in my mouth.

I sound like Elmer Fudd's cousin in the UK. A cousin who likes to store marbles in her mouth.

Awesome.

And I Quote...

Two quotes. Both from "Sister Act II" (Stop laughing!)

Word-songs have power...



I will live rejoicing...

Extreme Makeovers...

[Haha... I'm recycling blogs... Sorry! I'm lazy!]

I'm sitting here in my room. Much too cold out to be wandering about the streets of Philly (though I wish I could!). I think the cold would be more bearable had we any evidence that winter was indeed HERE. Where is all the snow?!? Seems winter is refusing to cooperate with us, save for some "sprinklin's" (to borrow a friend's words) and the BLISTERINGLY cold winds. It must have been tired of all the complaints of snow from all the years before... Odd when the sun is wanting to share its warmth but finds itself battling to do so in the midst of the blowing winds. But I digress...

But yeah... Here I am sitting in my room and all I can hear is this constant BANGING and CRASHING. You see, my neighbors are renovating. I take it from all the banging and ripping and gouging and hammering that they must be re-tiling the bathroom. It's quite annoying actually because there is NO way to buffer the noise... or get around it. It follows me EVERYWHERE! I've tried to have my AnnieTunes running full blast as high as it can go... but loud noises scare me. I COULD stick my fingers in my ears and scream at the top of my lungs, but I find that to be very tiresome... Besides, how on earth would I be able to type this poignant and eloquent blog? ;p

All this talk and noise of renovating has me wondering about life. So many times I have tried to rehab my life, but been unsuccessful because I'd only been trying to fix the outward things. You can put on the make up, the clothes, the smile, the laugh... but at the end of the day, you are exactly who/where you were/are. Nothing has changed. Have you ever had those moments when you felt like a clown? Trying desperately not to let anyone get close enough to see the cracks in your mask? Wanting to spare them the chaos?

But your problems don't go away because you turn a deaf ear to them. Like this incessant banging next door, you can't avoid the problems in your life. You have to face them dead on. Face the ugliness of your past demons - those monsters and skeletons in the closet of life. And as scary a thing it is to do, to take comfort in the fact that Christ has suffered these demons for us. He's seen the piles of skeletons I've locked up behind closed doors and fake smiles and hasn't blinked an eye.

He's wanting to clean out the closet and hang his forgiveness and acceptance there. To hush all the commotion of life and our sins, so that His voice rings clearer...

Wow, the banging next door has stopped for a moment... time for me to be productive I guess. Until next time friends...

~ a

Currently listening : Just Another Diamond Day By Vashti Bunyan Release date: By 19 October, 2004

These Nail-Pierced Hands

After discussing Matthew 8:23-34 with a friend (particularly v. 24), I was moved to write and reflect upon it. If you're interested at all, you can read it here on my Xanga blog (yes, I'm EVERYWHERE! muahahahaha....)

Joke of the Day...

Someone sent this to me and I thought I'd pass it along to you... Enjoy!

************************

A new preacher was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked."

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Theme Songs...

My life as a song...

"Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

Yup. That's me...
Head in the clouds.
Talking/laughing to myself.
Daydreaming.
Talking to my imaginary yet-to-be Mister.
Heart on my sleeve.

That's me in a nutshell.

[sigh]