Attention, K-Mart Shoppers!

Blue light special in Aisle 4: Somewhat nice and sorta funny girl is on the market. She's up for the taking. [Any takers?]



Over the past weekend I've been told twice how I'm such a good catch. First, on Saturday when one of my childhood friends told me I am the "girl guys marry" (this she said shortly after I inquired about the new relationship she's in). Then, just yesterday (Sunday), an older sister from the church I left told me that "all the guys are blind" and wondered why some nice boy had yet to snatch me up. Sometimes, I wonder, too.

It's odd, this phase of life. Slowly, but surely, I see my (often younger) friends coupled off, married and having kids. Then, I look at my life and sigh. I had thought by the age of 30 (almost... let's not talk about this quite yet... I'm still in denial), I'd be married and having my 2nd or 3rd child by now. Obviously, that's not the case.

Love and marriage are the topics of the moment in my circle of gal pals. There are so many beautiful, smart, loving, kind, generous, God-fearing-and-loving women I am blessed to know. So many. But, here we are...

Waiting.
Primping.
Flirting.
Praying.
Making ourselves available.
Being open and flexible.
Wanting and trying to be patient.
Living and embracing singleness.
Watching the clock tick and slowly steal our dreams with each second.

One older sister, shared that now, in her mid-40s, her dreams of having a family of her own are gone and that she's wrestling with the realization that she'll just have to learn to deal and re-form her dreams. And, I wonder if I'll find myself there.

In all honestly, I am really awkward. When around guys I'm remotely attracted to, I start to feel unhinged, uncomfortable in my body. It's like puberty all over again. [Fortunately, for me, I'm not currently eye-ing anyone.]

I run away. But blindly, like a bat in the light of day. I don't know what it means to "flirt"... unless that weird giggling-and-wanting-to-be-in-the-vicinity-of-my-target thing I do can be constituted as flirting. And, to top it all off, I am completely illiterate when it come to reading signals. I'm pretty much hopeless when it comes to this whole thing.

Despite all this, even as disarming and foreign it all is, I want to find my someone. To have someone wrap his arms around me when I'm cold or sad or scared. Someone to tell my deepest secrets and fears to, things I'm too afraid or self-conscious to say in public. Someone who makes me feel utterly at ease and confident, unafraid and unguarded. Someone to challenge me and push me to do the things I'm only strong enough think.

Ugh... It's all so confusing and unnerving and frustrating. Frustrating in the way the good guys are just too shy to make a move. Or too blinded by the bevy of smiley size-2 girls who daintily frolic about like doe-eyed deer when on a good day I feel like a turtle or an old tree-stump.

I just want to eat chocolate, stay in my pajamas and watch sappy dramas now.

*sigh*