Today my eyes are bloodshot. Swollen. I have old turtle eyes, wrinkly and puffy and shiny from a night of crying on Sarah W's shoulder (figuratively) about the crap at work and how it is shaking my faith, racking me with guilt, weighing on my shoulders. Literally. Even now as I sit here typing, I feel as though someone is physically pressing down on my shoulders.
I have been hunched over for 3 days now. I have, at best, a vulture's posture.
I am (almost) at my wits end here. My patience, unlike my tummy, is thin. On a good day I am just agitated and bearing through the day. On a bad day, however? Stand back, as I'm most likely to be enraged, barely able to keep myself from throwing/punching/kicking something.
I have never felt this way in my life. Not even when my dad left and people (some family members included) looked down at our "broken, failure of a family".
And, I am lost. At a loss for words. With no viable direction or solution to follow. Stuck. Strangled. Gasping. Wondering how on earth I found myself here. Wondering why God could (would) allow me to "endure" this situation and why He won't come to my rescue. At least not in the ways I want Him to. Need Him to. Am pleading Him to.
I want Him to magically whisk me away. Bring His fiery chariots and carry me to some place better.
But, He won't. At least not in the ways I want Him to. Because He is God and I am not. And though life SUCKS right now, I have to somehow believe that He's still in control. Still redeeming the day/my life. Still watching over me closely, even when it feels like I'm so far beyond His watchful eye and protection.
And until He does come to the rescue. I'll have to engrave Psalm 55 on my heart.
2 comments:
You're such a smart, capable girl. Can't you just quit and find something else?!
You must get out of there before it eats your soul.
Psh... When I get out of here, you may very well find me standing on your doorstep with a "will dance for food" sign taped to my person.
Are you ready for that, Allie girl?
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