[FYI, I think I've forced myself to turn this out in response to my delusionally, nonsensical thoughts from earlier in the week. Hahaha... enjoy!]
If I were to sum up my thoughts in 2 movie quotes, they would be:
"I am an idiot! I've bought a house for a life I don't even have!" - Francis, Under The Tuscan Sun
and
"Every step I have taken was to bring me closer to you" - Chiyo (Sayuri), Memoirs of a Geisha
Why? Well, as you, my loyal fans, have witnessed in this journal, I AM A DREAMER!
(There, I said it... That's the first step... to fess up to your problem)
I fantasize and hope for things I do not have. I dream of the day when I'll meet my (earthly) One. My knight on horseback. My other half. I wonder who it could be who would be able to "catch" me.
[BTW, why do we refer to the whole dating/marriage thing as catching (i.e. "She's such a catch!") anyhow? ... So bizarre!]
I dream of the children to whom I will sing lullabies to at night and protect from the monsters and other things lurking under their beds. I imagine what it will be like to watch this tiny person grow and mature and to feel this unbreakable connection to him/her, knowing that he/she is literally a part of me (oh yeah, and part of daddy, too!).
But I must sober myself from this drunken stupor of fantasy. I need to learn to be at peace with and, indeed, prepared for the possibility that I may not have these things. As much as I trust that God will bring these things, I also need to trust Him if He does not. My life is not my own. It's His and I am blessed/entrusted to live it for Him. But the nagging voices of doubt keep whispering,
Will He be enough?... REALLY enough?
Will you be HAPPY and live HAPPILY even if your ideal "happily ever after" doesn't lie in wait at the end of your story, but, instead HIS happy ending does?
Will you be HAPPY?
Enter the second quote...
I will have faith that even this (the wondering, longing, waiting, etc.) are a part of His plan... to bring me closer to Him (and maybe... him, too?).
Each bend in the road,
Every tiny step I've taken (and they have been tiny);
All the hills and valleys
Have been laid out before me to bring me closer to the love of my life... my Saviour.
[Sorry, if today's passage was a bit somber and awkward... but, as it says in the title, they are truly "random thoughts" from an even more random mind!]
1 comment:
i understand completely about feeling like your thoughts are "random." however, they are not random or all of over the place, as you may think.
indeed, it's difficult to pose that possibility of not having that which you presently long for. however, in the process of laying down and surrendering, you gain an understanding of peace that is truly beyond this world. each day is and will be a struggle, but we'll find that on this particular day, our understanding of grace is that much more real and alive because of this particular vacuum in our hearts...
sister, i share in your longing for that "one thing," as as for the Ultimate One Who is the Giver of that one thing. and i pray with you that we could lay it down one more time this day...
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