Squeaky clean

This past week Jews all around the world observed Yom Kippur, "Day of Atonement." It's the most holiest day n the Tishri, a day when man "afflicts his soul" to reconcile himself to God. It's the last and final opportunity to wipe the slate clean as one enters the new year.

Our office manager at work explained it to me this way:

It's when all your sins are atoned for... then everything is shot to hell. Literally.

It broke my heart when she said that.

My day of atonement began before my creation, on an old rugged cross where my Savior and King took upon Himself my afflictions, my sins, my curse. And by His perfect sacrifice I have been completely reconciled to God.

There is no shame.
No question of my salvation or status with God.
No fear.

I belong
I am a child of the Father of Lights
I am renewed
Clean
Free

Love & Marriage (Part Deux)

One of today's headlines on MSN read as follows:
THE STARTER HUSBAND: Is it Wrong to Have a Practice Marriage?

The fact that we as a society pause and have to THINK about our response disheartens me.

BUT, it is, unfortunately, a reality in some circles. These "practice" marriages.

As it stands now, marriage is just some frivolous game to play. Like childhood games of House or Cops and Robbers, we play our adult games. We play until things get a little too serious or we become bored with our matrimonial playmates. "Time out!", we call or just end the game. Walk away to find more interesting and fun playmates. Some spend more time and money planning for the wedding than their marriage. They scrutinize the color and fold of a napkin, but make little effort for the things that matter.

My friend just learned that her former coworker is getting a divorce from her high-profile, rockstar husband. They've been married since January. True, I don't know the reasons for their decision to end the marriage, but it's just so sad. They didn't even last long enough to celebrate an anniversary or take a bite from a piece of frozen wedding cake.

I'm sure people will say of them Poor things. They didn't know what they were getting themselves into. They're both so young, y'know.

I cannot accept that as an excuse. OF COURSE marriage is hard! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that! Marriage should last longer than puppy-love. Marriage should be as it was intended, a commitment. An eternal bond and profession of your love and belonging to another. It will, of course, be difficult as we are all so unwilling to let go of our independence.

There is no quick-fire, rapid-release remedy for the disagreements you'll have. It requires compromise. Sacrifice. Selflessness. Time. Patience.

Yes, it requires a lot. But, if you can get past the rocky hills and bumps along the way, it's a beautiful thing to experience.

I'm sure of it.

An Illumination (of sorts)

It's been an eternity since I picked up the Bible. I have been a spiritual anorexic, starving myself of spiritual food in order to gain back a (false) sense of control. I have failed. Miserably.

Today I took my first baby steps back and awkwardly pulled His Word out.

I decided I'd start new. A clean slate. A fresh start.

I started at the very beginning. I read. It was as if I was finally coming up for air.

One part stuck out at me. A merciful and much needed smack in the face from my Father in heaven:

15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good.

Verse 18, in particular hit me hardest.

God created the light "to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness." Once light was formed from the depths of His mind, there was no turning back, no running away from its presence. Light became permanent, a constant in creation.

[Below is what I wrote in response to what I'd read]

God created light to rule, separating it from darkness

Light | Darkness
Morning | Evening
Good | Evil
Saved | Lost
Healed | Broken

If I am a child of God, if I profess that Christ's blood has rescued me, than I am in His light and favor. And though I may presently feel as if I'm consumed in darkness, I am not. Like the heavenly bodies that consistently reign over the day and night, He reigns in the good and bad of my life.

Just as I know the sun is still shining even when storm clouds try to mask its splendor, I know deep down His love burns brighter despite my troubled, wandering heart.

Living out Romie and Michelle's HS Reunion...

An invite to my 10-Year high school reunion arrived in the mail today. I stared at the envelope, opened it and stared blankly at the poorly-copied and brochure-like layout of the "invite."

TEN years.
I was shell-shocked.
Then depressed.

Please fill out the attached info page and keep us up-to-date on what you've been doing.

Name: Same
Spouse's Name: Negative and thanks for the reminder BTW! I appreciate it.
Children's Names: Negative, unless my students count
Where are you? In a constant state of transition turned self doubt because of this HORRID questionnaire
What are you doing? Working for a company whose office decor is straight out of some horrid 80s flick

I HATE this part of growing older as it reminds me how "unsuccessful" I've been according to normal standards. It's like that annoying woman at EVERY wedding who prods, "So, are you seeing anyone?" or "When are you gonna get married" or "You should REALLY find someone soon... you're not that young anymore."

The funny thing is: I've never been the ambitious type. Not really at least. I'm not one of those 5-Year-plan types... at least not anymore.

Sure there was a time when I painstakingly planned out my life. But, as I've grown into ME, I've realized that it's all pretty much in the wind, in God's hands (not to say there haven't been moments when I've wanted to have a hand in penning the chapters of my life).

I guess more than anything, I'm worried (not really) of what my old classmates might think of me. To see them boast about their husbands, wives, kids, jobs, bank accounts, etc. And then turn to ask, "And you, what have you been up to?"

I could lie like Romie and Michelle did. Say I invented Spenda or something. Dance and fall in love with the Class Geek (FYI: I went to a Magnet/Gifted school, so we were all pretty much GEEKS in our own ways) But why? Who are these people that I should feel the need to impress them?



As I'm growing in my understanding of who I am in His eyes (still don't have a clearly defined picture), I'm growing more comfortable in the fact that I really don't need a lot. No fancy cars or clothes (though I will continue to drool over Marc Jacobs, Tracy Reese, Chloe, Stella McCartney, Tod's, shoes, bags and more shoes and bags). I don't need a 6-figure income or a gigantic house I won't ever really appreciate.

I want to LIVE.
See the world.
Encounter different cultures and people.
Engage in deep discussions that stretch my understanding and comforts.
Forge close, intimate relationships.
Challenge and be challenged.
Help those in need (still trying to figure out how exactly to do so)
Embrace music and laughter.
Weather Life's storms.
Soak in Grace and Acceptance.
Stretch my faith and GROW in it.
Find a place to root myself.
Find and hold onto love.
Not be afraid to love and be loved.
Belong.


I don't need a lot. Wanting, however, is a completely different story and somewhat of a struggle to overcome.

It's a sobering thing to know that you've unknowingly encountered death. My body has gone numb. My mind races. And my heart is confused.


I feel so ungrateful, so guilty.