Miracle, GROW!

I want it said of me by those who knew me best that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow.
~ Abe Lincoln

Sometimes I wonder at the seeds I leave behind. I hope when I look back at the path that's led me here, I'll find more pocketfuls of posies and not the briar bushes left behind by my idealism and wistfulness.

Is there a masseusse in the house?

Small group resumes tonight and it looks like I'm going to postpone going... again. At the moment, I'm sitting at home waiting for my mechanic to give me a call to pick my car up from his shop. Aaand, I'm still in pain. [My back and neck are still stiff... 4 days later.]

My mom thinks it may be due to the cold weather I (a winter baby) have become so sensitive to this year since instinctively my body seems to hunch over and tense in its attempt to hold in what little heat it can. {Maybe she's right.} Part of me thinks it may be my body's external show of the internal stress my subconscious feels as it mulls over this retreat I'm going to; my mom's ever-lingering, chronic illness; and the seemingly imminent postponing of plans I was so determined to follow through on a few months back.

It's like I have an invisible burden on my shoulders and I don't quite know what to do with it.

Hmm... maybe I'll go to the gym tonight and work it out.

EDIT: Shoulders/back are STILL stiff. *oh bother*

Oh Bother... The New Kid on the Block.

I can be horribly shy. [I hate that about myself.] My insecurities or nervous awkwardness in new situations leaves me mute and hesitant to speak, worried I'll say the wrong things. Instead I observe, I wait, I prowl, looking for a moment to jump in.

Since I began attending liberti about 2 and a half months ago, I've found myself struggling to break out of my skin. Trying to feel my way around in a congregation where new faces and names (I often forget in minutes) are a constant, find me at a loss for words sometimes. My brain will continue to speak, pushing itself to run one more lap around this foreign terrain as I try to hide the nervousness in my eyes. In a matter of minutes, I'm left panting and uncomfortable itchy in my own skin. That is until I find an oasis of familiar faces amongst the sandstorm of strangers.

Despite my obvious introvertedness, part of me sees this time of transition as a path to rediscovery. A re-writing of the heroine in this play I've been acting out for the past 29 years.

This weekend my church is having a mini retreat for newcomers who want to connect and get to know people. It's the perfect opportunity to "plug in" and, hopefully, familiarize myself.

But the thing is, I find myself freakishly nervous and unsure. I know I should go. To not go would be hypocritical since it wasn't all that long ago when, as a college leader at my old church, I would encourage the incoming students to be proactive in getting to know people.

Sometimes my words/advice have a way of kicking me in the butt.

I mean, I'll go, I'm pretty sure of that. It's just how I go that befuddles me. Do I drive the 1.5 hours solo and use the time to gather/prepare myself? Or do I join the majority of people (strangers!) who are carpooling?

I dunno... Maybe I'll stew over what to do over a bowl of ice cream...

EDIT: I stewed too long over what to do and have missed the opportunity to go to the retreat (they've maxed out). Oh well, I guess I'll have to wait 'til April when the next one comes around.

Booster Shots?

My neck and shoulders are insanely stiff.

My head hurts and my TMJ is stiff/sore.

Self-daignosis:
- Have tetanus

or, more likely...

- Slept funny (3 days ago!!!)
- Punched myself in a dream
- Sleepwalked my way through a boxing match (and won!?)


Lovely.

Birthday Thoughts

I sit here at my desk an entire year older and, hopefully, a whole lot wiser(yes?)

Mat's "Crashing Down" is playing softly in the background. I'm taking a short break from typing up proposals and final menu drafts to contemplate the year...

The song is fitting to where I find myself today, officially 29 years old. I'm at a crossroads. The past year was full of its share of disappointments, hurts and uncertainties. I have been kicked in the butt and at times it felt as though I were emotionally/spiritually left for dead. Don't get me wrong, there were good times as well: sharing in the joys and triumphs of others. Witnessing God at work in the small moments we often forget. Taking teeny-weeny-itsy-bitsy steps forward...

I'm wondering in silent amazement at what will unfold as all of this comes crashing down. Everything I was and knew and thought was right. Everything I knew and thought so highly of me.

And as He takes chisel to hand, I hold my breath.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow...

In less than 12 hours I head for the salon. I've yet to find a stylist whom I can trust and have had my fair share of bad cuts, highlights and perms. And since it seems that I only cut my hair twice a year, I often forget who I went to last. [Ah, old age is blissful!]

I'm going on the recommendation of Mia. [Mia, if you're reading this, and I'm not happy and end up looking like Dudley Moore, you owe me a ... uh ... I dunno ... something spectacular! Haha]

Oh well... it's just hair. It'll grow back. And I'm due for a major change... Y'know, now that I'm a grown-up and all.

Wish me luck!

[Gah!]

EDIT: It is done. And gone. Will post pictures at request.

It's (almost) My Party...

... and I'll cry if I want to.

But PLAN it(?)... I will never do. (Well, maybe when I turn 50 or something... gah!)

My stomach is always a little unsettled around this time, the week leading to my birthday. It's always full of uncertainty as I try to cope with another year piled on to the rest and this anxiousness I can't seem to shake. I feel a lot like Molly Ringwald's character, Sam(?) in Sixteen Candles: I wake up, stare at myself in the mirror in hopes that some dramatic change has occurred (no, wrinkles and gray hairs are not welcomed at this point), am on the edge of my seat waiting to see who's remembered and am filled with a bit of disappointment when the people in my life forget.

Birthdays are special. They should be spent with those you love and care for, those souls who love and care for you. They should be spent with the people in your life.

For the past couple of years, I've ridden on the coattails of a friend whose birthday is about a week after mine. I've had to ask for joint parties (usually planned by his then-girlfriend-now-wife) - to be added to the VIP list, so to speak. And almost every time, my heart has ripped a little knowing that these moments were never really meant for me, that most of these people had forgotten all about me until they received the joint party announcements.

Last year, I received 5 or 6 texts. Two or three word blurbles wishing me a "happy bday." I appreciated them, but something about having to pay to view these messages when people could have easily called, uneases me. A digital note on a cold phone screen verses the warmth of a real voice.

This year, I am preparing myself. I have repeatedly told myself not to expect much. If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed, Annie. It's sad and wrong of me, I know.


I dunno. Maybe I complain too much.

I probably do.

Cambiar

to change

Much to my surprise and dismay, January seems to be racing by.
My birthday is a mere 11 days away...

I'm holding steadfast to this feeling that this will be a truly NEW year. Full of new opportunities and experiences. Memories made with faces, new and old. New revelations. Growth.

To commemorate my soon-to-be 29 years on this fair earth, I have decided upon a major change - a haircut. A drastic one. It's time to let go. This move will be the start of a symbolic lifting of burdens.

It's exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.


[NOTE: If anyone knows of a GOOD salon that participates in Locks of Love in the Philly area, please let me know!]

[Lord] You Give Me Fever...

... in the [very early] morning.

Yesterday was exhausting.

• woke up at 6:50am from a very poor night of sleep
• went to work at 8:15am to finish up a proposal I was to deliver downtown by 9am with boss (who decided to take his time getting to work and didn't show up until close to 10am)
• frantically edited cover letter and menu for client then raced down into the city to hand-deliver said proposal, arriving at her office at 11am (2 hrs after my boss had promised her)
• drove way out into parts west of the city known as the MainLine area where I had to by pounds of chocolate and flowers for an event later that night
• returned to the office at 1pm at which time I had a brief meeting with my boss and the event's captain, before racing around to get our gear for the evening together
• left the office at 3
• picked up more stuff for the event and finally headed to the event at our local PBS station
• helped set up
• changed clothes and got gussied up
• stood around and catered to the 150+ guests... in 3-inch heels(!)
• cleaned up and packed our truck
• grabbed Maoz falafel
• arrived home at around 10:30pm
• ate too fast and drank too much water (result: bad tummy ache)
• passed out on bed for a "30-minute nap" which ended up being 2-hours long (oops!)

However, when I finally awoke from my "nap," I had this feverish urge to pray that I couldn't shake off. So, I did... in a half-just-woke-up delerium. I prayed for everyone my little tired brain could think of at 3am:

• all the Allies, Vanessas Steves in my life
• Mia and her mom
• Esther
• Sarah
• Michael
• Sudan and Kenya
• My mom's health and the future of her business
• My 2 younger girl cousins
• Anna and the homeless ministry
• Stacy
• Susan
  
• Erin
• Melissa and her family
• Jin and Sujin's family
  
• Pastor Steve, his wife and her health
• Mindy and Bon
• guidance in finding a place to worship/serve/grow in
  
• Aaaaaand... then I think I fell asleep again. (oops!)

Getting up this morning was rough, but there was a peace in my soul today. Maybe it was that I was thinking of (praying for) someone other than myself. Maybe it was that I was taking the first steps in a long while to heed to God's voice and not my own. I dunno. All I do know is that: a) italicizing is the IN thing to do today; and b.) if you're gonna fall asleep at the wheel at anytime in your life, it'd best be when you're steering that big Mac truck called prayer. (What? I've no idea what that last part is supposed to mean).

A divided house will fall...

I just learned of this. Please read on and pray for our brothers and sisters.

God we need restoration. At home. Abroad. Individually. Corporately.
Restore hope and peace, Lord.

Star Trek(king)

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. - Genesis 1:3, 4 NIV

Just got back from my 10-minute excursion into the bitter cold to catch a the start of tonight's meteor shower. It was said that this one in particular would be the most intense.

I don't know.

I knew in my head that I probably wouldn't see anything since I live in the city where artificial lights are always present. I think I might have seen 3 falling stars. (Either that or my eyes decided to fool me in hopes that they'd be allowed they're much needed rest)

But as I stood out there - amidst Cassiopeia in all her glory - a thought came to me:

Despite however hard we try to bring light to our own worlds, God's will outshine ours for all eternity. And no matter how dark the situations in our lives may seem, our Loving Father's glory will illumine our path always.

The stars will fade and pass. They will fall from their esteemed places, but the Creator who assigned each one its place is forever faithful and will keep close to His children.

Lord, light our paths each day.
Let your glory shine in us.
Let it chase away the darkness,
and fill the voids

What Would You Do?

Last night I spent 4 hours watching movies on one of those Christian networks. Though neither movie would have garnered Oscar-acclaim, they were interesting nonetheless.

The first to watch was "One Night With the King" ~ a movie I'd heard about last year and had wanted to watch. It loosely told of the story of Queen Esther. An orphaned Jew who would one day become a persian queen and help save her people from death and bring peace.

Shortly after "Perfect Stranger" came on. It was a low-budget movie about an embittered woman who received a dinner invitation from Jesus.

When I'd finished watching both movies, a thought lingered within me:

What would I do if I had my one night with my king?
What words would I say to show my devotion? My love?
Would I cry, speechless at the beauty of Him?
When His gaze caught mine, what would I see in Him?
What would He see in me?

What would I do with my one night with Him?

I'm slowly on may way back, stumbling as I go along, but I pray these moments with Him (in His word) would continue. Last night I started with Proverbs. 31 chapters for 31 days.

Let's hope and pray for many more nights like these, more nights with my king.