Friday, November 30, 2007

What's in a name anyway...

One of our event staff members called me "Anita" this morning.

We were speaking on the phone and it was still fairly early (for me), so I assumed my ears/brain had yet to recuperate from their slumber state.


Hmm... Maybe she said "Need a..." Like, "I need a time sheet for the weekend."


Alright, thanks, Anita. I'll just call in a bit later. Bye. [click]


Nope. Sure enough she had called me ANITA.

Strange.

I've been called:
  • AMY
  • ANNA
  • ANN(E)
  • EMILY (your guess is as good as mine there) - (thanks Panera-man)
  • ANDY (another shout out from my Panera peeps, yo!)
  • MAMA CHO (by my former Sunday School girls)
  • AKOH (NOT to be confused with A-kon)
  • ANNIE-GIRL
  • ANNIBELLE


... But ANITA?!?!


REALLY?


Alrighty, whatever... we'll just add that to the slew of nicknames/identities of mine.


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The gods aren't angry

Last night I went to into the city to hear Rob Bell speak.

It was an interesting experience - part monologue. Part sermon. Part lecture on the history of man and his innate desire to appease the gods.

Towards the end, Rob shared a story that hit all too close to home...

Years ago, Rob found himself at wits end, caught up in the act of being a "good Christian." Overly concerned with what this person thought of him or that person had to say.

He was exhausted... "down to [his] very soul."

Soon after, a friend invited Rob out for coffee. This brother looked at him and, with love and concern in his voice, said, "You know, Rob... it doesn't have to be like this."

I know, I know, but you don't understand...

Rob... it doesn't have to be like this...

Yeah, but...

ROB, it doesn't have to be like this.

His friend continued to calmly repeat this mantra - a plea for the very life of his friend. And each time he did so, it was as if he was throwing a lifesaver out into the ocean Rob found himself drowning in.

I could relate to Rob. I, too, have found (am finding) myself gasping for air. Like a ghost dragging along an ever-growing burden and desperately searching for relief, a hand to guide me through the mire.

My heart has been heavy these past few days. Each day welcomes me with dark clouds. Each moment, a silent plea for rescue.

But I will remind myself once again (and every moment my heart will allow)...

Annie. It DOESN'T have to be like this....

Friday, November 23, 2007

A Bird in a Cage is Worth 2 in the Hand

Last night was possibly the worst holiday I've ever had in my entire life.

My mom asked me to take her to her friend's house in the early evening, claiming that the swelling in her limbs was especially severe. I conceded like the "good" daughter I am and spent an awkward 2 hours at the home of a woman whom, to my recollection, had not spoken more than 2 hours worth of words to me in the 18 years she's known my mom.

Towards the end of the night, I sensed something awry in the air.


My intuition never deceives me


I had been speaking very briefly with a girl my age when my mom sat down beside me. A few moments later I overheard my mother and the girl talking.

Girl: [in Korean] So this is whom Mrs. ___ was trying to set up with my brother.

They thought I didn't understand what they were saying.

Moments later Mrs. ___ and an awkardly quiet gentleman proceed to saunter into the small den.

I couldn't believe them.

I walked out of the room to go read in quiet, Mrs. ___ grabbing my arm to try and stop me.

I could here them whispering and talking. My mom trying her best to excuse my behavior with her charm.

I was fuming. But I had no place to go.

I felt trapped.

A caged bird with no place to go.


I put on my sneakers and went out for air. And as walked around this foreign neighborhood, an overwhelming sense of frustration filled me, suffocated me. I tried desperately to breathe in the cold air, but anger boiled within me.

How could these people try to manipulate me? How dare they try to force my hand or think they know what's best for my life!

I began to understand the turmoil of all those ill-fated heroines of 19th-century literature. Here and now, I had been thrown into my own 21st-century Edith Wharton tale.

I returned to that unwelcoming home and, glaring at my mother, stated we were leaving. And as we drove back, my mother began to lecture me about how she worried so for my future well-being. That, if she were to die, I'd have no one to take care of me. That I needed to find a man to watch over me.

I stared straight ahead at the road.



Later that evening we drove to my aunt's home (a woman notorious for getting under my skin with her unending nosiness and pointless, irrelevant "advice").

We were able to sit for all of 20 minutes before my mother and aunt started up again about the awkward gentleman they'd tried to force me to meet an hour prior.

Aunt: Sister, you should have dressed her up better and made her put some make-up on... What is that!

I felt the noose around me.

Thinking me to be some deaf and ignorant child, they continued to talk, to whisper, to scheme.

The noose tightened. And I heard the the door of the cage close behind me.

I asked them to stop. They wouln't.

Angrily and loudly I reasoned my case. My hostile disposition concealing my desperate pleas to stop, to let me be. To let me be. To preserve what little amiability was left.

They would not. And, again, I went out into the darkness.

Realizing I had no place to go and no one to call upon, I began to cry in desperation.

They say an animal will chew its own leg off in hopes of freedom.

Last night, I was that trapped creature - staring down at my leg, wondering if I have it in me to do it... to break free.


I'm counting down the days, fearful that it may never come, but pleading with God to make the days run faster.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Puzzling, Isn't It?

There are moments when everything falls into place and lays just so. Perfectly aligned and moving forward.

Then, there are moments life throws you for a loop and you're left frantically searching for that missing piece. A sign of hope.

I'm not sure where I am at this moment.

Maybe we're all lost somewhere in the in between.



And maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing.


Sunday, November 11, 2007

Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

... bluebirds sing.

Tonight I came face to face with bluebirds. Beautiful creatures who sang and laughed, had passion for things outside of their comfy little worlds. Wonderfully gracious things that welcomed a little bird like me with a broken wing and heavy heart.

I am inspired.




And the search for my rainbow continues...

Greener Pastures Up Ahead

Just came back from my first "house show." One of the performers - a dearly sweet man - reminded me again the emotive, connecting power of songs/words/art as he sang aloud the words life had penned in my heart.

The room was filled with members of a particular church here in Philly that I'd really not heard anything about until recently. And I played the wallflower perfectly - my introverted awkwardness causing unknown numbers of odd phrases and behavior to escape from my mouth/body.

But as I watched these people interact with one another - sharing thoughts, laughs, opinions, inspiring each other - my heart released a hopeful sigh. A whisper of reassurance filled my soul. Soon, dear child. Soon.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Hanging By a Moment

As I was driving home late one night after running errands for my boss, the following song played on the radio. A familiar song. A heart song whose lyrics I'd almost forgotten.

The song resounded into the empty void, filling my head and heart.

I was moved to tears. And with great hope and expectation I sang along in prayer:


Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you

Currently listening :
Hanging by a Moment
By Lifehouse
Release date: 05 June, 2001

Monday, November 05, 2007

What a Difference a [Year] Makes

Today (Sunday, November 4th) was my mother's birthday.

As crazy as she makes me (enough to run screaming in the opposite direction) - and as hurtful as she can be in her weird Korean way of showing love - I'm thankful to God for pulling her through another year.

This time last year we were celebrating her birthday as she lay in bed in a hospital room due to what we would later find out were complications stemming from a bad liver infection.

She is still in recovery a year later, but healthier and getting stronger each day.

In hindsight, guess I should be happy she's nagging the crap out of me these days. It's a surefire sign that she's almost back to normal.



Here's to a better and healthier new year...

Friday, November 02, 2007

My Mama Ain't Raise No Fool...

That, unfortunately, is not a universal statement.



Both the Office Manager and I had our heads ripped off by 2 lovely "gentleman" about matters not involving us which were out of our hands and realm of responsibility.

Evil men. Spiteful. Bitter. Vindictive. Threatening. Irrational (as my friend so happily reminded me).

One called me a phony, implying I was lying to him.

And I'm wondering, Why did his words cut through me like they did? Why am I so enraged and wanting to kick something in protest?

He questioned my intregrity, my values. The core of who I am (or strive to be).

Unfounded. Beligerant. Hurtful. Judging. Bad, bad man.

Just let it run off your back. He was wrong and you know it. That's all that counts.

To be graceful and courteous when your blood is boiling... it's possibly the hardest thing to do.



[Fuming]


[Panting]


Just breathe...