... and I can't get out of it.
I'm realizing more and more these days that I am a limited being. In every sense of the word:
Physically
I hobble to and fro on a knee that's still trying to figure out if it wants to cooperate with the rest of my body and allow me the chance to be fully mobile once more. I want to run and swim and walk without wincing when you buckle, damn you!
Mentally
There are days I'm almost positive I'm showing signs of early dementia. Have to be... What other excuse could there be for constantly losing the remote? Or my train of thought for that matter?
Relationally
Perhaps the area of greatest deficiency. In looking at my heart the past few days/weeks, I realize more and more that I'm not as nice as you all think I am. It scares me to think that I may possibly be incapable of love. Real love. The kind that gives without expecting. That is unconditional. Without limits. That forgives and is understanding. That kind of love. And sadly, I feel undeserving of it a lot lately.
I know this particular deficiency (my limited, stunted ability to love others) is due in large part to my lackluster pursuit of Christ these days. I don't know what's going on within me or what these invisible, seemingly impenitrable barriers before me are, but... I want -- nay, need -- to break out.
I want to love selflessly and unconditionally as You do, Lord... I just don't know how.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Somewhere In Between
I've been feeling at a loss a lot lately. Displaced. Unloved. Forgotten.
Truthfully, as much as I'd rather not admit it, I sometimes need to know I matter to you -- even if just a little bit. A kind word. A phone call. A smile or hug to know that I'm not as alone as I'm feeling these days...
It's tiring for people like me to constantly be the ones reaching out. Hold out your arms long enough and they'll start shaking and ache from exhaustion.
That's where I'm at. Exhausted. Tired of reaching out only to have nothing there to grasp.
Everything inside wants to just retract from everything... Live in my head. In my tiny, solitary world. To rely on me and me alone. To not care at all for anything/-one anymore. To be like the rest of the world and think of myself and my agenda and nothing else.
I hate this place I'm finding myself these days.
Hate it.
Truthfully, as much as I'd rather not admit it, I sometimes need to know I matter to you -- even if just a little bit. A kind word. A phone call. A smile or hug to know that I'm not as alone as I'm feeling these days...
It's tiring for people like me to constantly be the ones reaching out. Hold out your arms long enough and they'll start shaking and ache from exhaustion.
That's where I'm at. Exhausted. Tired of reaching out only to have nothing there to grasp.
Everything inside wants to just retract from everything... Live in my head. In my tiny, solitary world. To rely on me and me alone. To not care at all for anything/-one anymore. To be like the rest of the world and think of myself and my agenda and nothing else.
I hate this place I'm finding myself these days.
Hate it.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmastime is Here...
It's now officially Christmas. Jesus' "birthday." A time of celebration and quiet thankfulness... Or so we'd all like to think.
While visiting with childhood friends, their father (my old pastor) and one friend's new baby, it struck me how quickly Christmas snuck up on all of us and how fast 2009 has flown past. You see, this will be the family's second Christmas without their mother. It will have been a year and a half since she was killed in a tragic car accident. I still can't believe it.
As we sat there reminiscing about the old times, I couldn't help but glance about the living room at pictures of their mother. Family photos. Graduation pictures. Small momentos of a women who loved/lived/served well. It was bittersweet -- to know that she was gone from this earthly realm and would never meet her grandson or witness anymore milestones in the life of the family she loved so well.
Going about the day (and the week for that matter), my heart and mind have been elsewhere. Distracted. Drifting. In a season when my heart could have been gratefully reflecting on the miraculous, immeasurable divine gift our Savior, I wasted moments in self-indulgence and gluttony in every sense of the word.
I'm short-fused lately. People cannot/will not live up to my expectations. I feel somewhere in-between and as if I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere I go. I am perturbed to put it nicely.
All of this restlessness came full circle today as I watched everyone (including me) run around in a frenzy:
- Watching as my mom battled her guilty conscious at not being able to give anything to our old pastor's family nor to my brother or I (we've been in the habit of not exchanging gifts for a number of years simply because we'd all be broke)
- Attending a Christmas Eve service with the church I'd left, my calloused heart drifted toward cynicism, judgement and impatience.
- Going to a friend's house, I labored to tolerate friends who'd somehow decided that on Christmas Eve it would be fun to get annoyingly loud and piss-drunk playing drinking games to then go and spend the rest of the night berating people (some who weren't even present and many of whom have since left the church).
- Checking in on Facebook, I'm bombarded with statuses about last-minute Christmas shopping or gift-wrapping.
Thinking back on all of this, I can't help but fear how skewed our (my) thoughts (still) are about this all-too-important holiday season.
Lord, please forgive me/us... We know all too well what we do and don't do.
While visiting with childhood friends, their father (my old pastor) and one friend's new baby, it struck me how quickly Christmas snuck up on all of us and how fast 2009 has flown past. You see, this will be the family's second Christmas without their mother. It will have been a year and a half since she was killed in a tragic car accident. I still can't believe it.
As we sat there reminiscing about the old times, I couldn't help but glance about the living room at pictures of their mother. Family photos. Graduation pictures. Small momentos of a women who loved/lived/served well. It was bittersweet -- to know that she was gone from this earthly realm and would never meet her grandson or witness anymore milestones in the life of the family she loved so well.
Going about the day (and the week for that matter), my heart and mind have been elsewhere. Distracted. Drifting. In a season when my heart could have been gratefully reflecting on the miraculous, immeasurable divine gift our Savior, I wasted moments in self-indulgence and gluttony in every sense of the word.
I'm short-fused lately. People cannot/will not live up to my expectations. I feel somewhere in-between and as if I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere I go. I am perturbed to put it nicely.
All of this restlessness came full circle today as I watched everyone (including me) run around in a frenzy:
- Watching as my mom battled her guilty conscious at not being able to give anything to our old pastor's family nor to my brother or I (we've been in the habit of not exchanging gifts for a number of years simply because we'd all be broke)
- Attending a Christmas Eve service with the church I'd left, my calloused heart drifted toward cynicism, judgement and impatience.
- Going to a friend's house, I labored to tolerate friends who'd somehow decided that on Christmas Eve it would be fun to get annoyingly loud and piss-drunk playing drinking games to then go and spend the rest of the night berating people (some who weren't even present and many of whom have since left the church).
- Checking in on Facebook, I'm bombarded with statuses about last-minute Christmas shopping or gift-wrapping.
Thinking back on all of this, I can't help but fear how skewed our (my) thoughts (still) are about this all-too-important holiday season.
Lord, please forgive me/us... We know all too well what we do and don't do.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Back to the Future?
I'm realizing again a feeling of transition. Of being in a familiar state of limbo. I don't like it. I don't like me when I'm here. This place of limbo will often have me questioning and doubting everything and everyone. Questions arise within my mind and heart. Do I belong? And, if so, where? Do I matter at all? (In the grand scheme of things, no because Christ, hopefully, matters more in my life.)
It's a heaviness that I'd thought I'd finally unburdened myself of. But, Loneliness, Confusion and Melancholy are stirring up again. I don't like it.
It's a heaviness that I'd thought I'd finally unburdened myself of. But, Loneliness, Confusion and Melancholy are stirring up again. I don't like it.
Donner. Party of 8
I'm sitting on the floor of my living room. Bored. Out. of. my. mind. (Oh, did I mention I'm back home for the holidays in Philadelphia?)
Although fortunate to arrive a day ahead of the snowstorm that stranded at least one friend of mine who was hoping to get home, I am now cageed in my childhood home. Have been for the past 3 days actually.
Friends are all miles away, and, when your car is stuck in nearly 20 inches of snow, it's impossible to drive any distance to see them. No matter how much you want to. Not even if they may prove to be the antidote to the Cabin Fever you've suffered for the past 2 days.
My only companionship is Nigel (the laptop), cable television, my brooding brother and my incessantly nagging mother who doesn't seem to know what an "inside voice" is supposed to sound like.
I'm going stir-crazy. Someone help me... Please.
Although fortunate to arrive a day ahead of the snowstorm that stranded at least one friend of mine who was hoping to get home, I am now cageed in my childhood home. Have been for the past 3 days actually.
Friends are all miles away, and, when your car is stuck in nearly 20 inches of snow, it's impossible to drive any distance to see them. No matter how much you want to. Not even if they may prove to be the antidote to the Cabin Fever you've suffered for the past 2 days.
My only companionship is Nigel (the laptop), cable television, my brooding brother and my incessantly nagging mother who doesn't seem to know what an "inside voice" is supposed to sound like.
I'm going stir-crazy. Someone help me... Please.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Self Portraits
I'm bone-tired. My feet hurt. My head reels. And I just want to crawl into a ball here on the floor of Fido and sleep by the construction paper fire place. Like a cat. [Maybe bear would be a better choice of words?]
If you care to know, I spent the entire day volunteering at Help-Portrait Nashville.
It was amazing. My mood, however, fluctuated.
Reflecting back on the day, I realize how very thin are the veils of patience and kindness that I profess to wear so proudly. A few people rubbed me the wrong way and my immediate response was frustration, anger and the occasional death stare.
Some of the people were impatient, others ungrateful or pushy. One volunteer completely took advantage of my helpfulness and ran off to hobnob while I tended to my group and hers.
In all of this, I learned (again) how very self-righteous I can be. As I walked around, I felt the Grinch within grumble.
I don't know what to make of this other than the simple truth that I need Jesus. A whole lot. More than you or I could ever know...
If you care to know, I spent the entire day volunteering at Help-Portrait Nashville.
It was amazing. My mood, however, fluctuated.
Reflecting back on the day, I realize how very thin are the veils of patience and kindness that I profess to wear so proudly. A few people rubbed me the wrong way and my immediate response was frustration, anger and the occasional death stare.
Some of the people were impatient, others ungrateful or pushy. One volunteer completely took advantage of my helpfulness and ran off to hobnob while I tended to my group and hers.
In all of this, I learned (again) how very self-righteous I can be. As I walked around, I felt the Grinch within grumble.
I don't know what to make of this other than the simple truth that I need Jesus. A whole lot. More than you or I could ever know...
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Winter Wanderlands
every now and then, it grips me –
this feeling of wanderlust
of wanting.
perhaps these slow, silent winter nights awake within me
a yearning
my soul’s sighing
I wait for you –
(im)patiently
trusting you’ll come near
until then, I’ll rest here
safely amidst these blankets of night;
waiting for you
wherever you are
- 2009|12.10
this feeling of wanderlust
of wanting.
perhaps these slow, silent winter nights awake within me
a yearning
my soul’s sighing
I wait for you –
(im)patiently
trusting you’ll come near
until then, I’ll rest here
safely amidst these blankets of night;
waiting for you
wherever you are
- 2009|12.10
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