It's Friday night. I'm now roughly 24 hours from a major milestone: 1 month in Nashville. Instead of being out and about the town, I am here... again. Alone. Again.
"Time after time"
I'm realizing more and more these days how little patience I have. As I sit here clicking away at the keys, I'm aggravated and stressed after a failed attempt to watch Kings on Hulu. I'm about as close to the window as I can possibly be without actually being outside and am still playing tug-of-war with borrowed internet signals. After an hour or so of trying to watch 30-minutes of the 120-minute, 2-part premiere, I've given up. Surrendered. You, Borrowed Signal, have won. Again.
"I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until you're resting here with me"
All day, I've been craving human contact. A hand to hold; a warm body to sit beside. But, as stated before, I am alone. Save for a few minutes down at the MOCHA office and at the Brentwood Harris Teeter, I have been alone to stew (ferment) all day.
"It's just the nearness of you..."
Loneliness heaves itself on me at the oddest moments and refuses to leave once it makes itself home. I've wanted to cry a lot tonight.
I never knew an introvert could ever hunger for social interaction. But, like many things about me, I've learned that I'm not quite like everyone else. I'm an anomaly in every way imaginable and it confuses me as much as it does all of you.
"Chase all the ghosts from your head... smarter than the tricks played on your heart"
My mind tells me that something is wrong with me. That I'm not fun/interesting enough to be around. That I'm not worth others' time or concern. And when I come across days like this, it's hard to believe otherwise.
"Wasn't trying to pull you in the wrong direction, I just wanted to make a connection..."
I want to discover and experience these people who have now entered into this part of my story, and in turn, I want to be discovered/experienced by them. Yes, it's unnerving and uncomfortable, but the beauty of being found is so worth it... at least to me.
"Yeah, you're working; building a mystery, and choosing so carefully..."
Days like this make me wonder if anyone wants to make that sort of effort anymore. If we're all satisfied with Tweets and comments on each others' walls. If the brief and superficial banter is enough. It's not for me - I'm left longing and hungry for more..
"In the still of the night..."
I want to take a walk in the cool night air to clear my head. To walk by shops and people simply to be physically near people. But, that would require me getting in my car and driving nearly half an hour to do so. The thought of having to do that is unbearably agitating.
So, I'll just sit here in the dark with my imagination... A scary thought I'm sure we've all come to realize.
"Your picture on my wall, it reminds me that it's not so bad..."
Lord, on days like this - days that seem so void of hope or comfort; days when I'm almost inconsolable - remind me of You. To know that the nearness of you is enough. To know that even when the sky is downcast like it is today, the sun still shines and fights to warm this heart and this face with its glow.
2 comments:
"My mind tells me that something is wrong with me. That I'm not fun/interesting enough to be around. That I'm not worth others' time or concern. And when I come across days like this, it's hard to believe otherwise."
It's NOT your mind. Those are lies told by someone who wants to tear you down. Rebuke those thoughts and do NOT listen to them or believe them. they are NOT true. for years i listened to the lies about my singing and music but they were lies and I finally saw through them.
Oh, Annie! My heart hurts for you. I will keep you in my prayers. You are not Alone for God is with you always. :)
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