well, is that all...

i was watching television with my younger cousins, commenting on kimora's most recent addition to her "fabulous" team (yes i'm afraid to admit that i'm addicted to 3 vh1 shows), when the older - who is about 8yrs younger than me - began to ask a series of questions about diamonds... namely engagement rings. our repertoire for the next 10 minutes or so included my asking ad nauseum for her to clarify. after i finally got an idea of what it was that she was asking (i.e. her idea of the "perfect" diamond), i responded with a very generic quote in the 5-digit range to which she quickly responded, "oh, is THAT all?!"

i looked at her in shock.

"what do you mean, 'is that all?'?!?!"

"well, ______'s ring was like $400,000.00." [spoken VERY matter-of-factly]

in all honesty, i told her that i was/would be disgusted if ________ had told me she/her husband spent THAT much money on a tiny little thing like a ring.

she was noticeably defensive. and tried to rectify the situation by telling me she would be FINE with a $ 10,000.00 ring.

i told her how i didn't understand how someone could waste THAT much money on something as small as a ring. i adamantly voiced that i'd rather spend that on a house or a car (or, in retrospect, my future children's education).

she jokingly responded, "yeah, i'd rather have the ring!"

"do you know that there are people in this world who will NEVER see that much money in their ENTIRE LIVES?!," i blurted out.

she was struck and even more defensive. i was defensive and heated. we ended the conversation there as she stepped out of the room.

and as her younger sister and i finished watching the show - witnessing the new assistant's jaw drop and drool pour out of her mouth as she toured the Lee-Simmons "humble" abode, i began to worry...

i worried what had happened to these girls, now young women. i wondered who or what had corrupted their minds to convince them that their worth was in the THINGS they owned and was disgusted at their lack of concern about real matters of the world... outside of the ones they'd created.

you have one life, unni... you should enjoy it!

their words echoed in my head and heart and i was scared. scared for them. scared for this generation. (yes, i know i sound like an old bitty!)

in this time of instant gratification (e.g. my typing this blog and sending it out to the masses with a click of a button), i wonder at the state of the nation.

girls are once again told they must measure up to the standards of "hawt" boys and the media (e.g. the not to bright girls of "the pick-up artist").

we are told it's OK to lie and screw people over if it means you get what you want.

money makes the world go round

you're only as good as the things you own and the labels you wear (so true of "urban" areas like mine where people are prone to spend their last dollar on butt-ugly "designer" duds if it means they look like "rock stars")

emulate the paris hiltons of this world... they're at the center of what matters

[ blah blah. gag gag. barf barf. roll of eyes ]

now, am i saying that i'm above all this? certainly not! i'm as much a slave to consumerism as the next gal. i just hope that in the end i'll be impressed not by the balenciaga bag you carry, but by your burdened heart for the poor. that i'd be impressed with your desire to walk in the shoes of the brokenhearted, not your brand new jimmy choos. that i'd admire your passion and concern for a (good) cause, not your size 0 status. that i'd be made to feel inferior and question myself not because of your to your 6-figure salary, but your ability to forgive and show grace to other, to me.




"you have one life... you should enjoy it!"



something i guess i need to consider more...

The Fear You'll Leave

I had a dream the other day.

Yes, I realize this is no monumental feat since we all dream, but you must understand this: I rarely remember my dreams. They're too clouded by shear exhaustion, victims to a brain and memory that go on strike each night. The ones I do remember, however, haunt me. They linger and stake their claim to my days. Like a gnat searching for warmth, they stay close and pester me.


I dreamt I was married. Living a quiet life with my husband out in the old prairies. Making a home of our modest abode.

My Mr. was kind and handsome, tall and fit. He had a warm demeanor and there was a gentleness in his eyes. When he held me, the world melted away. I felt secure. Safe. Confident.

But it was when I wasn't in his arms, that my insecurities raised their hell.

I worried if he loved me. I was scared that he didn't care or find me desirable anymore.

I could see my anxiety wear away at his patience and yet I couldn't shake this plague of thoughts. It came to a point where he would hold me once again, wipe the tears and kiss my forehead, and yet, my doubt wouldn't subside.

I woke up at this point and that feeling of inadeqacy and self-doubt lingered. I have felt the weight of the world on my shoulders once again as my heart did it's bidding.

I'm afraid that this week my heart is up to no good...

Blogging, Squared.

I wrote the following in response to AllieDearest's last blog.

[Yes, I blogged within a blog... I wonder if I just started some apocalyptic chain of events in the blogoshere?!?!]

... i see the demolition tape all around. i can hear the jackhammers as His heart's beat grows louder in mine. and it terrifies me sometimes.

the pieces crumble, the cracks appear and i am not who i was.

i can't make sense of the rubble around me, but i need to remind myself to hold on, to trust and have faith.

but darn it, i keep getting my hands dirty, trying to interfere.

there i go again...

These have been an awkward few months for me. Knowing that I'm being called (lured) to another place and yet, unable to make the trek just yet. I'm not one of those spontaneous, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants types. I plan. I think. I budget. I try to save.

Though I know it's months away... I find my heart making its peace with this place. This city. This home that has begun to suffocate.

Slowly, I take in the surroundings.

Breathe in the air.

Breathe out the anxiety

whether it's the right thing to do.

In the quiet of sunset,

with the gentle breeze blowing,

the trees wave their farewells.

And I prepare.

My mind

My heart

My hopes

My nerves

For what lies ahead

Artificial Heart

I spent a full day gluttonously consuming an assortment of wondrously glorious grilled foods.

2 barbecues in less than 10 hours. I am full and sleepy even now as I relive it...

As I was leaving the home of my co-worker, she gave me a big bear hug and whispered in my ear "I love you."

Those words resounded in my body and sank like a boulder in my sea of thoughts.

"I love you"

I

LOVE

YOU

I've never been one to be open about my affections or endearment for others. Having had so many people in my life leave has caused me to be a bit callous. And it TERRIFIES me. I wonder aloud sometimes What the hell is wrong with you?!?! Why can't you just say it? It's just 3 little words.

But they're not. Not little in the least. Between the spaces, between the words and letters are intricately deep rivers of emotions.

Attachment.

History.

Connection.

Rivers that have been flooded with painful memories. Rivers I have drowned in and then been reborn through once His hand has pulled my out from the trenches of my sins and past. And yet those words... those little words. They get stuck in my throat like thistle.

I

LOVE

YOU



These 3 little words... Why do they intimidate me so?

It's hard to let go... to say farewell... to say your good-byes to something so familiar. To step out now into the undefined and trust His hand will guide you through the fog and disillusions.

Fin

After nearly 8 years of weekly practices and fun (and not so fun) times, I am closing the door to a small chapter of my life.

It is, in its most innocent ways, a bittersweet farewell... this letting go. But it's for the best. For me. For them. Time for a new group to come up - people, God-willing, more talented and spiritually equipped than I. Those with thicker skins and softer hearts.

New(ish) Stuff

There are some new things on the other blogger site.

Feel free to check them out if you like.

I won't be insulted (too much) if you don't. ;p

It's time we DTR

Today I am going to talk to my boss to discuss this summer. He and I are butting heads about my hours (or soon to be lack there of). I've been putting off talking to him about it. I blame my Koreanness and my distaste of confrontation.
Anyhow, so yeah, I will be speaking with him today. I don't know if it's the weather (gloomy and raining), my lack of sleep, or other factors, but today... well, it just feels off.
If you get the chance, please say a quick prayer.
- annieisoffkilter

True Irony...

... is when the boss who is NOTORIOUSLY LATE and NEVER responds to ANY calls, gets mad at the fact that someone else had him wait for once. Even more ironic is that he who purposefully tries to put people in their place and berates them, complains (whines, really) that the person who had him wait is showing him "disrespect."

I love my job.

Always Online...

People have been astonished at the fact that I can survive - am upright, really - with what little sleep I get in a day/night. I don't know what it is. Call it chronic, life-long insomnia or my fear of missing out (see blog below). I don't know. I just don't like the act of sleeping. Being inactive. Immobile. Offline.

It's catching up to me, however. Each morning is a battle that I lose.

Body-12182083, Annie-0

Hmm... Maybe I should "act my age" and head to bed at a more reasonable hour...

1am? Yes?

The Consequences of Aging... Gracefully?

I've always had these puffy little cushions under my eyes. They plump up when I smile. Surrounded by dark circles since as long as I can remember. Casualties of my many late nights as a child, never wanting to fall asleep for fear that I would miss out on something amazing.

Cover-up is my best friend, but...

My skin is not what it used to be. I think it's in some weird rebellious phase - reverting back to its Junior High pubescence. It's breaking out... all over.

*sigh*

Why is it that...

... you're never quite as popular as when you're about to leave or go through some MAJOR life-altering event?

Shouldn't you be thought of - and people want to share time with you - just because? No motives. Not because you're going away. Not because everyone's afraid you're going through some major meltdown... Just because. Because you're YOU and that's enough.

...

Just a thought.

On Slowing Down...

The official busy season here at work is drawing to a close (for the time being) and I'm finding myself... well, bored. Useless. Twiddling my thumbs and staring into space.

It's a dangerous place for me - this state of momentary pausing. Too much time and the mind starts to wander. It starts to go to places and dreams for the future. Traverses the past and present circumstances.

I search.
I wander.
I hunt.
And I wonder.

Trying to find your place in this world [that OLD Michael W. Smith songs starts resonating in my head] is a daunting task. I see glimpses of it, yes... but they're so fleeting. Like mosquitoes in those humid summer nights, they flit and flee... zooming by your ear. And when you turn to find them, they're gone... off to haunt another.

buzz...
Huh?
whizz...
Hmm?

Gone.

THITH THUCKS

So, I apparently bit both sides of my tongue whilst sleeping last night. Maybe I was hungry. Maybe I had a hankering for some chewing gum. I dunno. All I DO know is that my tongue hurts. It's swollen and uncomfortable in my mouth.

I sound like Elmer Fudd's cousin in the UK. A cousin who likes to store marbles in her mouth.

Awesome.

And I Quote...

Two quotes. Both from "Sister Act II" (Stop laughing!)

Word-songs have power...



I will live rejoicing...

Extreme Makeovers...

[Haha... I'm recycling blogs... Sorry! I'm lazy!]

I'm sitting here in my room. Much too cold out to be wandering about the streets of Philly (though I wish I could!). I think the cold would be more bearable had we any evidence that winter was indeed HERE. Where is all the snow?!? Seems winter is refusing to cooperate with us, save for some "sprinklin's" (to borrow a friend's words) and the BLISTERINGLY cold winds. It must have been tired of all the complaints of snow from all the years before... Odd when the sun is wanting to share its warmth but finds itself battling to do so in the midst of the blowing winds. But I digress...

But yeah... Here I am sitting in my room and all I can hear is this constant BANGING and CRASHING. You see, my neighbors are renovating. I take it from all the banging and ripping and gouging and hammering that they must be re-tiling the bathroom. It's quite annoying actually because there is NO way to buffer the noise... or get around it. It follows me EVERYWHERE! I've tried to have my AnnieTunes running full blast as high as it can go... but loud noises scare me. I COULD stick my fingers in my ears and scream at the top of my lungs, but I find that to be very tiresome... Besides, how on earth would I be able to type this poignant and eloquent blog? ;p

All this talk and noise of renovating has me wondering about life. So many times I have tried to rehab my life, but been unsuccessful because I'd only been trying to fix the outward things. You can put on the make up, the clothes, the smile, the laugh... but at the end of the day, you are exactly who/where you were/are. Nothing has changed. Have you ever had those moments when you felt like a clown? Trying desperately not to let anyone get close enough to see the cracks in your mask? Wanting to spare them the chaos?

But your problems don't go away because you turn a deaf ear to them. Like this incessant banging next door, you can't avoid the problems in your life. You have to face them dead on. Face the ugliness of your past demons - those monsters and skeletons in the closet of life. And as scary a thing it is to do, to take comfort in the fact that Christ has suffered these demons for us. He's seen the piles of skeletons I've locked up behind closed doors and fake smiles and hasn't blinked an eye.

He's wanting to clean out the closet and hang his forgiveness and acceptance there. To hush all the commotion of life and our sins, so that His voice rings clearer...

Wow, the banging next door has stopped for a moment... time for me to be productive I guess. Until next time friends...

~ a

Currently listening : Just Another Diamond Day By Vashti Bunyan Release date: By 19 October, 2004

These Nail-Pierced Hands

After discussing Matthew 8:23-34 with a friend (particularly v. 24), I was moved to write and reflect upon it. If you're interested at all, you can read it here on my Xanga blog (yes, I'm EVERYWHERE! muahahahaha....)

Joke of the Day...

Someone sent this to me and I thought I'd pass it along to you... Enjoy!

************************

A new preacher was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked."

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Theme Songs...

My life as a song...

"Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

Yup. That's me...
Head in the clouds.
Talking/laughing to myself.
Daydreaming.
Talking to my imaginary yet-to-be Mister.
Heart on my sleeve.

That's me in a nutshell.

[sigh]

To Run the Race...

So, I was watching some recap of this year's IronMan in Kona, HI and was so moved by the stories. (no, not moved enough to actually try to compete in one... i'm not insane!!!)

There was this one story of a 76 year-old nun (yeah, that's right, kiddies... SEVENTY-SIX!!!) who was competing in her 20th IronMan. She put people like me - nearly 50 years her minor - to shame. You could see in her eyes and spirit that she had LIVED this life she was given... and more importantly, she had enjoyed it! She ran the race with no other motivation than to beat her biggest adversary... herself.

I'm sure there were TONS of others like her with similarly inspiring stories, but the one that hit me the hardest (yes, that means I cried!) was the story of a guy who suffers from ALS (aka Lou Gherig's).

He ran the IM2005 last year, knowing in his heart that if he wanted to do it, he'd better do it that year. He said that he'd complete it - even if it meant that someone would have to roll him across the finishline b/c he foresaw that he'd never get the chance to do so again. And he was right. Just 12 months after running the race, Mr. Blais (or "Blazeman" as he's so affectionately called) was/is wheelchair-bound.

A teacher from Chicago by the name of Brian Green (who had never met Mr. Blais) was so inspired by his story that he - a self-proclaimed average, unathletic guy - decided he would compete in this year's race FOR Mr. Blais and for all victims of ALS. He tracked down Blazeman and a deep friendship was formed. Green finished the race, carrying the same flag Blais held as he rolled himself across the finishline. He (and other racers who had met and/or heard of Blais' story) rolled across the finishline as well to show Blazeman their support and admiration.

Mr. Blais will most likely be gone when IronMan2007 rolls around. But, he'll leave a legacy behind. He's touched thousands of people worldwide with his story and has done what he saught out to do - to bring awareness to ALS.

Like, the individuals in these stories, we, too, are running a race. Ours, however, is not one where the end goal is clearly in view. There are obstacles - summits and valleys so steep that it seems impossible to tarry on. We battle ourselves and all that this world tells us is worthy to pursue. But I believe there's something more... more worthy and satisfying than ANYTHING life throws at us. And, yes, there will be moments (like now) when I feel defeated... overwhelmed by the mountains before me, but I know that there is One who has ran and CONQUERED this race for me. He holds my hand firmly in His and assures me that He won't let go... even when my grip starts to loosen.

So, I will run this race for Him, my Great Champion and my biggest fan.

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. - Hebrews 12:1-3

So, THIS is Why People Think I'm Mixed!!!

Hahaha... So, I tried out this new site that takes your face and compares it to celebrities that have the similar features.

I never understood why people thought I was mixed, but now, I guess, I understand. [FYI: I've been asked by people if I was half African-American and I think I may been asked if I was part Latina, too... can't remember]

Haha.. I apparently look a lot like Raven Simone!!! Hilarious. Let me know if you agree with the site and go try it out for yourselves.

Hallmark Movies Always Make Me Cry...

Yup, I love Hallmark movies. True, I'm always in need of a Kleenex (or four!), but I love them. They always have such wholesome messages: usually about love and friendship; or finding what really matters (and makes you happy) in life.

Tonight I partially watched "Candles on Bay Street" starring Alicia Silverstone. I say partially because I fell asleep during some part in the middle (I blame it on a tryptophan-induced food coma from eating leftovers). At the end of the movie was this poem by a poet I'd never heard of before (but whose poetry I will be adding to my list of "to reads"):

First Figs by Edna St. Vincent Millay

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends –
It gives a lovely light

It reminds me of how transient this time we have here is. And that it is indeed a gift - this life we live - however bad it may seem at times. As a Christian, I'm comforted to know that all the good (and the bad) times we face are reflecting the Creator's "lovely light."

So, may He forever illumine the path before us with His glory...

Lessons From a Dancing Penguin

So, this past weekend a friend and I went to go see the new movie Happy Feet...

Before I go on my spiel about the lessons I learned from this "kiddy flick", I must tell you that the CG was AMAZING!!! I couldn't believe my eyes and was thinking how spoiled kids are these days. Whatever happened to our beloved 2D Disney classics? This is the reason why I'm convinced kids nowadays have NO imagination.

But I digress...

The central theme of the movie (without giving too much away) was finding yourself, your passions and being who you are. Typical message, true. But I like how they phrased it:

"Every penguin has a heartsong"

The main character struggles with finding his heartsong - his identity you could say. As I watched the movie, that message resonated with me. Like Mumble, the main character, I've oft felt as if I didn't always fit in with what's considered the norm. Believe me I tried my darndest (like I'm sure most of you have) to fit in with the "in-crowd" - those cool kids whom EVERYONE wanted to know and hang out with. I was always juuuust outside of this circle, stuck somewhere between there and being a wallflower.

But as I'm growing into this woman God has made me to be, I'm SLOWLY (stressing S-L-O-W-L-Y!!!) learning to rejoice in my quirks. To praise Him for my introspectiveness and how I need to process everything. I'm still struggling with this heart that sits atop my sleeve for all the world to see - these emotions that tend to (especially these days) sit just under the surface, at the ready to erupt at a moments notice. And as I sit writing this, the Spirit whispers softly the beautiful words of Psalm 139:

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

We are "fearfully and wonderfully" - and might I add thoughtfully - made. Painstakingly formed by the gentle hands of a loving and powerful artisan. Each scar this world afflicts we wear like medals of honor. Each quirk in us reflects some part of the Creator or, more importantly, our need of Him.

He's placed in each of us HIS song. And as we daily search for Him, we find our heartsongs I think.

From one finding her heartsong...

These Boots Were Made for... Eating?

I was cooking up some Korean BBQ beef (aka Kal Bi) for tonight's dinner. As I was searing the slices (Bobby Flay, eat your heart out!!!... muahaha!), I saw that one of the pieces resembled a shoe - a cowboy boot to be more specific. It made me smile because not only do I love nicely browned slices of Kal Bi [wiping drool off face], I also LOVE shoes! (Haha... what girl doesn't?!?)

Such a Stuart-Weitzman-magazine-ad moment!

Haha... that it all. Just thought I'd share.

Happiness... Just a Click Away?

So, I just watched "Click" this past weekend. It was a great movie, reminded me a lot of "It's a Wonderful Life". And I started to wonder after examining the recent happenings in my life: "What if you could skip through all the bad stuff? What would it be like?"

I only wonder this because I find myself pushing "pause" on a life that has already been moving frame-by-frame for the past few months. It's weird, sometimes you feel like everything/-one around you is rushing - trying to fit another hour's worth of work into the few minutes they find available - and here you are going at a snail's pace and desperately trying to keep up. And when you finally do, you hit yet another roadblock so massive you fear you'll never see the other side.

So, yeah... I'm fearing the worst and learning to hope in and for the best... But until then, I guess I'll have to play the waiting game and see where He leads me.

[My] Hair [Was] Everywhere...

Yup, I got my hair cut on Friday. Partly because I was bored and partly (well, mostly) because it was getting so heavy. [I know there are some out there who love thick, luxurious, Pantene Shampoo commercial hair, but, seriously, it was getting to a point where it was starting to put a strain on my neck and shoulders. But I digress...]

So, I went to this Korean "salon." I had went there in March (yes, I waited a whole 6 months!) and LOVED the cut the stylist gave me. [Her approach was a little Edward Scissorhands-esque, but she was fast and awesome!] But, when I walked in, she was no where to be found. I had heard rumours that she got married (haha... maybe she's lounging under a cabana, mai thai in hand, laughing at my expense... RATS!!!) The only stylist present was a 40-ish woman I had never seen before. I didn't want to appear rude and hurt her feelings by asking, "Excuse, but could you tell me if the YOUNGER woman is working today?" so, I complied, and quietly sat in a chair.

Anxiety filled my mind, my head, my fingers and toes... I wondered if i had made the decision to cut my hair in haste, but it was too late... she was coming toward me ready to do with me what she will/would...

Long story short... I AM NEVER GOING THERE AGAIN!!! MY hair looks like a cross between a really bad Rachel cut and a grown-out mullet. [To visualize: Imagine someone wearling a motorcycly helmet covered in hair (yeah, I know gross) with some of her own longish hair sticking out from underneath... yup, that pretty much is what I'll be suffering with for at least the next few weeks.] So, in the meantime, my hair will be recuperating in a 24/7 ponytail or chignon - a "bun" for you male readers who are wondering what a CHIG-NUN is (BTW, it's pronounced shinyon... or something like that).

Haha... I realize that I sound like a total self-evolved, shallow, vain princess. Please accept my sincerest apologies.

Men Are From Mars and Women Are... Well, We're Just AWESOME!

Tonight I watched part of an hour-long discussion on gender differences on 20/20. They posed the question: "Are men and women really as different as we think?"

The correspondants interviewed sociologist, behaviorists, NEUROLOGISTS, and the like to see if there were any biological/neurological reasons for why men and women behave as they do. It was interesting. Here's what I learned (thank you 20/20 for adding to my bag of useless facts!):

• a woman's brain SHRINKS up to 8% during pregnancy (I did not know that!)
• women speak roughly 20,000 words per day while men speak only about 5,000 (haha... I might have gotten those numbers wrong... that can't be possible!)
• the amygdala is slightly larger in a man's brain than in a woman's
• scientists believe that the reason it seems your husband never listens to you is not b/c he's ignoring you, but b/c his brain can't register your voice - they're more able to process/hear a lower toned voice (i.e. another male's)

But the best part of the show was when they quoted some ad for an insurance company (I think). The company's tagline was this:

MASCULINITY. It's hazardous to your health.

Haha... That is all. I don't think I could possibly top that perfection of words!

Girl America... Where Art Thou?

Below is an entry I put up on my MySpace account.

Please tell me you agree and that I'm not being prudish in thinking that things have gone too far!!!

Ok, someone PLEASE eplain to me why there are SO many girls who insist on whoring themselves on MySpace?!?!? I mean, really... where is their sense of self-worth and integrity? Why do they INSIST on being seen as nothing more than a boob or a g-string "covered" ass?!?!

Women of the world, we need to stand up for ourselves. It is NOT empowering to flash your hoo-hoo to anyone and everyone. That's just a load of bull some skeezy guy with some amount of clout in the entertainment/marketing industry fooled us into believing.

We are more than the sum of our parts (pardon the pun).

We are beautiful, strong, INTELLIGENT, loving creatures with MINDS, VALID OPINIONS, a VOICE that is worth expressing (more than those lame invitations extended to strangers to oggle you). Yes, our bodies are beautiful things that we should CHERISH. But, how can one cherish herself when she insists on accepting the lies thrown at her from the media and society with their whack ideas of beauty?

It makes me so sad, pissed off and disappointed when I see girls on the internet, on TV, in music videos, and ESPECIALLY in those lame "Girls Gone Wild" videos. The fact that a handful of men are making MILLIONS exploiting stupid, drunk/high girls (incapable of sound judgement) makes me SO livid!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

OK... That is all. I'm through with my rant o' the day.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. - Psalm 139:14

I made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of jewels. Your breasts were formed and your hair grew, you who were naked and bare.

" 'Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.

" 'I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD.
- Ezekiel 16:7-14

The Last Kiss?

Just got back about an hour ago from a solo night at the movies, catching The Last Kiss. [Really girls, no need to feel sorry for me. I'm learning to enjoy these times to myself that I so dreaded only a year (er... more like a few months) ago...]

I won't spoil the movie for you, but will comment on some of the overriding themes:

The movie dealt with the choices we all have - to be thankful for what we have or to give into the fleeting temptations that pop up in unexpected places. It's a tell-tale truth in our lives, but, oh, does it ever speak volumes when we consider our walks/relationships with the Father!

He gives us everything we could want or need: all our dreams and happiness. But we get bored. We feel antsy. Fear that we might be missing out on something springs from deep within our hearts. And as these feelings come to surface in our lives, our eyes (and hearts) start to wander.

Like Eve, we find ourselves mesmerized by sin's temptations. It looks so tempting. So easy. So seemingly satisfying we say to ourselves. We take a bite and the reality of what we've just done comes flooding to our senses. We cry out in anguish and despair, flogging ourselves with our guilt. We wonder at how we could have ever thought that that would be worth giving up real pleasure and satisfaction. And we wallow in our guilt. Donning dirty rags of shame we forget to see the beautiful robes of majesty that Christ Himself has bleached white with the pouring forth of His holy blood.

But, thankfully, grace - that mysterious, unfathomable gift of divine origins - prevails! It looks upon us so lovingly and encourages us to take off these rags of shame. It destroys them, once and for all. And He clothes us with Himself, layering His grace until it is thick about us.

Makes you thankful and frees you, no?

***********************

On a darker note (haha... first time anyone's used that phrase I bet!)...

The movie got me thinking about the future, specifically my future spouse.

They say that girl's end up with guys who remind them of their fathers. For those of you who are fortunate to have great, loving relationships with your dads it's a comforting thought. But for me, the thought brings dread and fear to my heart.

If this theory holds true (and I'm hoping in faith that it doesn't!), than I will end up with a man whose eyes and heart will wander numerous times; a man who will grow bored with his children once they've grown past the cute and fun stages. He will grow distant and cold with each passing year. He will close his heart to me and our children. We will see less of him with each passing year until he is no more than a ghost to us - his haunting presence ever-lingering in our hearts. And no matter how hard I pray and wait for time to heal, there will always remain in me the smallest remnant of a tear - a remembrance of the joy of a father's love I once knew in my innocent/ignorant youth, but which is no more than a vaporous memory to me now.

Now, I know God has good in store for me, but sometimes I wonder if that good He's so wanting to pour out upon me will have to be found solely in these kinds of dire circumstances. Yes, I will admit that a big part of my heart is deathly afraid of being hurt and that's something that I am working on each day as I slowly learn to trust and open my heart, to be vulnerable and broken before Him and those around me. But in a strange way... I find a sort of peaceful hope amidst my brokenness. Because I know that only in my continued brokenness before Him will I ever be made whole. And I take comfort in knowing that He is "a father to the fatherless" and "make[s] all things new" in Him. And though I might always carry these scars, Christ has taken them upon Himself as well, sharing in my pain and offering me His divine grace, acceptance, love and victory. Like that old Southern hymn says: He walks with me and He talks with me.

And He will continue to walk me through this life;
He will rejoice with me as we summit my victories
He will lead me down through and back out of the lowest chasms of this life
He will bear with me as I falter and forget the victorious grace I have in Him
And will continue to speak His soft, loving words until I return to that place beneath His wing
He will restore me and piece me back together again
So in the end I will resemble more of His likeness and less of mine
And though it may hurt like hell, He will sustain and guide me through
With strength and wisdom
With love and patience
And with a mercy and grace that I don't deserve.


*** Sorry... if this entry was a bit... (mmm... what's the word? ...) depressing, but these were the thoughts that ran through my mind on my way home this evening. Yes, I think... A LOT... constantly, really... much too much for my own good sometimes and, unfortunately, YOU have to bear with what comes out of those pregnant thoughts here, in these blogs.] I should really reward those of you who are able to get through these LONG entries. I know I would be intimidated and turned off at just the shear volume of words (so many words!).

I Before E, Except After C

Just finished watching Akeelah and the Bee. LOVED IT!!! It's such a feel-good movie... Well, save for the fact that I felt like a retard for most of the movie (as I had never heard of 90% of the words used!)

P-U-L-C-H-R-I-T-U-D-E, Pulchritude.

[wah?]

I HIGHLY recommend this movie to you all (yes, the 4 of you who read my blogs).


And while I'm on the subject of spelling... Check this out:

THIS is what would have happened had the movie been called A KOREAN and the Bee:

[FYI: There was an ad in the local Korean Paper that read something along the lines of "Come to the Korean FORK Festival." Unfortunately, I was unable to take a picture of it. Haha... I amlost peed in my pants laughing for a good 5 min!]

Hahaha... Koreans. What can ya do with 'em/us!

Well, at least we're still good at math and science!

Encyclopedia Brown and the Great Mystery of God

Talking with a friend about God's weirdness. For some reason or another He has chosen to reveal Himself to us in the juxtaposition and ironic pairings of ideas:

strength in weakness
hope in darkness
life in death
fullness in brokenness
joy in sorrow
love in the midst of hate
peace in uncertainty
true identity when we lose ourselves
finding His will when we let go of ours
acceptance when persecuted
finally finding what we desired only when we searched for and made Him our one desire
light in darkness
gaining in letting go
seeing His BIGness as we become smaller
triumph in adversity
calm in the chaotic storms of our lives

I guess it's the only way we, in our feeble-mindedness, can even begin to understand Him. (I think C.S. Lewis touched upon this very idea when he stated that we cannot understand love without first understanding hate.)

In showing us where we lack, He reveals to us how He fulfills in every way.

It's the great mystery of His grace.

Can you fathom the mysteries of God?
Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?

They are higher than the heavens—what can you do?
They are deeper than the depths of the grave — what can you know?
- Job 11:7, 8

To Write LOVE on Her Arms

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds... (Psalm 147:3)

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
- Isaiah 61:1-3

FYI...

... I've started a new blog for the random stuff I've been writing over the past months.

If you're interested and BORED, click here.

It's only a couple right now (one from last night and the other from a while ago). More will be posted after i feel more confident in them.

Enjoy!

One Year Ago...

Yesterday marked the 1-year anniversary of the day Katrina, in all her fury, leveled New Orleans. It's hard to believe an entire year has passed...

And, regretfully, I have forgotten. The faces, crying out in their desperation, have faded -
receding into the fog of memories past. And I continued in my happy existence while brothers and sisters struggle (to this very day) to look for answers and the help/support to start anew...

I forget how lucky and privelaged I am... I can be such an ingrate.

Below are the words to a song by Mat Kearney called "All I Need." He wrote it for his friends who lost everything (including the church they were to be married in) due to Katrina.

***************************************

All I Need by Mat Kearney

Here it comes it’s all blowing in tonight
I woke up this morning to a blood red sky
They’re burning on the bridge turning off the lights
We’re on the run I can see it in your eyes
If nothing is safe then I don’t understand
You call me your boy but I’m trying to be the man
One more day and it’s all slipping with the sand
You touch my lips and grab the back of my hand
The back of my hand
Guess we both know we’re in over our heads
We got nowhere to go and no home that’s left
The water is rising on a river turning red
It all might be ok or we might be dead
If everything we’ve got is slipping away
I meant what I said when I said until my dying day
I’m holding on to you, holding onto me
Maybe it’s all gone black but you’re all I see
You’re all I see
The walls are shaking, I hear them sound the alarm
Glass is breaking so don’t let go of my arm
Grab your bags and a picture of where we met
All that we’ll leave behind and all that’s left
If everything we’ve got is blowing away
We’ve got a rock and a rock till our dying day
I’m holding on to you, holding on to me
Maybe it’s all we got but it’s all I need
You’re all I need
And if all we’ve got is what no one can break
I know I love you
If that’s all we can take
The tears are coming down
They’re mixing with the rain
I know I love you, if that’s all we can take
A pool is running for miles on the concrete ground
We’re eight feet deep and the rain is still coming down
The TV’s playing it all out of town
We’re grabbing at the fray for something that won’t drown

Joshua Radin and Anna Nalick @ The Chameleon

Below are a few pics from the show I went to on Saturday. 'Twas a lonely ride up to "Downtown" Lancaster. (Who knew Amish Country had a downtown?!?! News to me!) I didn't use my flash, so the pics might be a bit out of focus. Tried my best to keep as still as I could (even propping my camera atop my water bottle!). Here are some of the resulting images for your viewing pleasure...

I LOVE this first pic! If you don't mind me tooting my own horn: Kudos to AC for taking an artsy pic with her tiny point-and-shooter!

I love ths one, too! It looks like a still from a music video.

The Heart of a Child

Last night, we had a revival of sorts at our church to celebrate the end of our 40-days of prayer (of which I think I only made about half).

It's funny, the guest speaker (who I liken to a fobby Korean Randy Jackson) reflected on the passage of the woman and the alabaster jar (Mark 14:1-11). It's one of my favorites, as I find it to be one of the most challenging passages. And to which I can only - in my meager faith - aspire to one day.

He challenged us to be reckless in our devotion/love for God - to strive to come to a point where the world calls us foolish and wasteful (like the Pharisees did of the woman when she broke her jar of perfume and poured it over Jesus' head). Our faith must be alive within us; breathing and growing. It must not be calculated or premeditated, but a free and "irreversible" response from our hearts. It must be like that of a child - simple and of the moment so to speak.

Below is an exerpt from the blog of a British author I've been meaning to check out. It gives us a peak into the mind and faith of a child. [For the full entry, click here.]

A couple of days ago, at Soul Survivor, I was watching my four-year-old daughter dance. There she was, giving it some kind of epileptic salsa blended with martial arts, loving it.

“Why are you dancing, Evie?” I asked.

“God likes it,” she said.

It's my hope that I might have this kind of faith. So when the world questions why I live my life in abandon for my Savior, I can simple reply:

Because God likes it.

Attack of the 40-Year-Old Virgin - Part II (Well, OK... he might not have been a virgin...)

[CAUTION: It's another long one... but I know you'll find it really amusing!]

Sorry, I'm not really looking to date right now...

That was my response to a guy I spent an awkward 3 hours sitting next to at a cafe I went to last night to catch their weekly open mic night.

The night started off pretty normal, I guess. The cafe was full of hopefuls, waiting for their big break into the music world. Guitars and Saxes were being tuned. And I was hunting for a seat, so I could have my dinner and comfortably catch the show...

A kind man offered a spare seat next to him conveniently by a small table. I humbly thanked him. ... ... And then the night of awkwardness began.

He asked if I was going to sing that night. "Oh gosh, no... I just like to listen to live music, but maybe... someday," I joked. He told me he was performing that night and that it was his first there. I wished him luck and continued with my meal.

He continued to pester me every 5 minutes asking the typical small talk stuff:
So, what do you do?
Where are you from?
Who are you listening to?

I tried my best to be friendly and more outgoing (as I have been told I can appear - in my shyness - to be stand-offish, rude, or snobby) - answering with a smile and a joke here and there.

A school teacher and his son came up to do their song, but not before leading the audience in a trivia contest. It was cute. He had prizes. Though I was a bit scared as he was hurling the prizes at those who'd answered correctly. Awkward Man (whom I will refer to as AM from this point on) answered 2 questions and "won" a CD folio and a pencil case. He handed them to me joking that he wouldn't be needing them.

I looked at my phone... 8:30p

After 4 or 5 more performances, it was time for AM to do his song. He said he was nervous. Again, I wished him luck all the while worrying what I would say to him if he sucked and I had to give him my review of his performance.

He performed. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't my cup of tea. I gave him as honest a feedback as I could. It was hard to hear you at first... the mic wasn't positioned properly. He thanked me.

I looked at my phone... 8:50p... about an hour to go.

At around 9;20 or so, the crowd slowly started to dwindle. Empty seats were popping up everywhere. I wanted to move, but I didn't want to seem rude. So, I sat in awkwardness as AM told me about his dog that had passed 2 yrs ago; his sister who was marrying a Chinese guy; how he has ADHD; etc.

I looked at my phone... 9:35p

The evening rapped up around 10:15 with the house band playing out the night. As I was getting ready to leave, AM mumbles something along the lines of:

Are you hanging out with anyone?

Confused I looked at him and asked him to repeat himself. He gathered his thoughts and said, "Is there someone in your life?"

[OOOOHHHHH!!! Hmmm... .... How do I approach this? This has NEVER happened to me before... Hmm]

I searched my brain for the gentlest way to let him down...

Sorry, I'm not really looking to date right now was the only thing that would come to my lips. He tunred and walked out the door.

I waited about 5 minutes until I was positive I would not see him out on the street again. Grabbed my phone to call and rant to the friend who said she'd try to come out, but alas, LOW BATTERY. So, I got in my car, the events of the last few hours racing through my head.

I think I laughed all the way home.

Haha HA, Lord... you are the FUNNY man aren't you!!! Betcha got a kick out of that one, didn't you? Hahaha... Oh Lordie... You are one funny dude, God!

----------------------------------------------------------------

I seem to attract the wrong guys... They're all either ghetto-fab fellas who refer to you as "Mama" or "Boo" OR they're old enough to be your dad (refer back to my Boston trip a few blogs down for clarification). It's probably the reason I have yet to date... (and if this trend continues, I'm afraid I never will!)

But really... What in the world is going on here? I mean, ...COME ON!!!

But then I got to thinking...

Do I deserve to be this picky?
I am NO trophy by far -
WAY too many faults and scars to fit that mold
But, I refuse to believe I'm some consolation prize -
destined to go to the guy who waited too long or could never relate to the opposite sex.

Was it wrong of me to be so candid?
If you ask me a question, I will try to answer as honestly as I can... but
Is it so wrong of me to want to be as candid as I can be... no lies or shadiness about me
Should I be like all those stereotypical girls who blatantly flirt and manipulate men and circumstances (I've known a few)
Is it wrong to want (from myself and others) some level of genuineness?

Should I be more stand-offish?
But what kind of testimony is that to leave?
Should I guard my words?
But then, knowing me and my mind... I would NEVER talk!

Should I walk around town dressed as Frumpy Dumpy
Throwing caution to the wind with tangled, oily tresses and mismatched clothes?
Should I wear a sign about my neck that says "KEEP AWAY" or "NOT INTERESTED" ?
Should I don a permanent scowl on my face
to deter Mr. Wrong?

But, how then would I ever meet Mr. Right (if such a man exists)?
Hopefully, he's out there... SOMEWHERE
And he'll be able to see past all my imperfections
I should warn him... he'll have to dig a REALLY long time
If he's ever going to find the treasure, the art in me

But until then...
What you see is what you get... and hopefully, that's enough... RIGHT?

Because...

I know I'm not the prettiest girl
No supermodel at all
I'm not the smartest or wittiest person I know
I lack eloquence and at times tact

And I'm not the nicest or the kindest of people
(in fact I can be quite awkward to be around)
I hold grudges for far longer than I ought
And can be quick to say/think a hurtful word

I am lazy and indecisive
Anal to the core
I'm selfish and self-centered
And can be needy at times

I am proud when I ought not
And hold stubbornly to my opinions
I think I'm right... A LOT
I'm an idealist
and a pessimist at times

I am prone to jealousy
And can be competitive, too
I can be irrational at times
And a little too rational at others (Debbie Downer should be my nickname)

But...
What you see is what you get...
and hopefully, that's enough...

RIGHT?

A Thought...

[Sorry. This entry was hard to put into words let alone into any semblance of grammatical order. It's sort of a hodgepodge of free-flowing thoughts... Hope you can all follow along.]

The past few days I've been thinking about the word mourning... and what it means to mourn. There is such negativity attached to the word. I wondered how joy could be found in the midst of grief and a play on words began...

Mourning.
It's homophonic partner morning means the early parts of the day.
The former of the 2 is defined as going through a period of grief.
Isn't it odd how 2 words that sound so alike could have such opposing meanings?

[Mourning... MORning... dwell on those words for a moment.]

For the Christian the 2 words go hand in hand, however.
Though we grieve the physical loss of a loved one who has passed, we can be joyful in knowing that she is in heaven with our Lord and completely happy.
To those who believe - in mourning we find a new morning of sorts.
What do I mean by this? you ask.
What am I trying to convey here in this jumble of thoughts without order or reason?
Simply this: Yes, death inevitably will produce a time of mourning, but for only a moment. Because in Christ we know and hold fast to the truth that as we die - whether to our sin or to our bodies - our death produces in us new life, a fresh start, a new morning, .

Home

An awkward silence fills the room
A fog surrounds
Tears of sorrow and joy collide
In mourning theirs is peace
She is home now
Truly home
She has come to the end of her road here
The end of this road
And she has found herself at last
There in the place where she belongs
She is home.
I know she is happy
He came to set her free
He touched her
Released her from her pain
Took her hand and led her out of the darkness
Into His marvelous light
I know all of heaven rejoiced
As this angel on earth
This quiet devoted spirit
Stepped through the gates of splendor
Took in her first breaths of freedom
Vision becoming clearer
She sees she is where she was always meant to be
He turns to welcome her
She bows heart and head to the ground
He lifts her head
Embraces her
Lifts her high in His arms
For all of heaven to see
And yells in utter abandon
"My daughter is finally home
She is finally here with me"
"I've waited so long," He confesses
Speechless she begins to tear
Could God Himself have desired me this much?
"Yes, of course I have and do still," He whispers
So no one else can hear
She knows now the meaning of it all
All the pain and sorrow
Have prepared her for this moment
When completely she realizes
At last, I am truly home.

The Problem With Pain

A dear friend of mine has lost her mother. After months of suffering through pain as she battled cancer, the Lord called her home this past Wednesday. I'm at a loss of words.

What do you say to someone who has just lost a loved one -- to one who has lost her mother?
What words could possibly be spoken into hearts that are broken in mourning?
Are there any words?
Is just being there for her enough?

Savior, be enough for her...

Speak into this grief,
Into this broken void:
"Peace I leave with you;
my peace I give you."
You do not give as the world gives.
Thankfully, no.
You give love
and hope
and peace
and joy to the fullest.
So, may our hearts not be troubled
May we not fear the touch of Death
For it is through his touch that we will be
HOME again
and
Fully, who we were meant to be
We will FINALLY be home.

Freedom Trailin'

So, I'm back from Boston. Well, I've been home now for 3 days. Boston was fun... STIFLINGLY hot and humid, but fun nonetheless.

Here's a recap of the week. (You may all thank AM for her gracious DEMANDS that I "POST PICTURES!" j/k Haha...)

[WARNING: This is a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG entry. Proceed at your own discretion]


SUNDAY - Major fiasco while trying to pack for the trip. Was trying to do some last minute laundry. Didn't realize that I had left an ink pen in one of my pockets. Yup! You guessed it... BLUE INK all over my clothes!!! Made a quick dash to Pathmark (at 11:30pm!) to get some Shout and OxyClean. Spent about 2 hours trying to scrub out stains all the while trying to hold back tears. Finally fell asleep around 4am.

MONDAY - Left Philly at 11am and arrived in Providence at a little past 12pm. Shortest flight EVER!!! Couldn't even finish the Sodoku puzzle I had started halfway into the flight.

Got to RBK&KCK's house around 1:30pm had lunch, played with GMK (who has VERY good hand-eye coordination for a baby!) and then took a nap. Yes, very productive I know... I promise it gets better! Keep reading...

TUESDAY - Went with RBK and GMK to Sprouts, a baby playtime/singalong program. SO funny! All the parents and the teacher (who looked a lot like the host of "The BIG Comfy Couch") were singing random songs while the babes ran amuck in the colorfully padded room. Was fed Goldfish crackers by one of the babies (I don't think her parents were too pleased) and had to contain myself as this trucker of a baby named Eric proceeded to bulldoze his way through the crowd of tykes as he chased after bubbles at the end of class.

Future NFL Lineman, Eric "The Bulldozer," playing with Mikaela (whom he would later knock down numerous times during "Bubble Time"

GMK's classmate, Joshua(?) during playtime

GMK, wondering what that black thing is that Auntie Annie is pointing at her
(Answer: my camera)

Later on in the evening, helped take care of GMK while mommy and daddy prepared dinner for their guests, Pastor Paul, his wife and baby. The guests arrived at around 6pm and, as they walked through the door, to my surprise, I realized it was MY Pastor Paul - my old JDSN from Yuong Sang!!! We both looked at each other and said, "Hey! I know you!" Too funny. It's a small, small world...

WEDNESDAY - Dragged RBK, GMK and KRL to the "Pru" to catch Mat Kearney perform in the South Garden.

The sun was strong, the heat was on, and my man was playing his songs (what?... I dunno).

He's been touring a lot lately (been in a different city every day), so he was understandably a bit disoriented. Forgot where he was, what day it was and missed a few chords (although I think I was the only one to notice).

Met up with him again during the "meet and greet." AGAIN he remembered me, asked for my name again and told me that he'd written a song called "Annie." [I think you have to if you're a musician. It's some sort of right of passage. (e.g. "Annie's Song" by John Denver; "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson ("Annie are you OK, are you OK, are you OK?)] I joked that he'd have to sing the song for me sometime, but I don't think I made any sense. Oh, how I wish I was more extroverted and eloquent in words. All I can seem to do is smile, nod, and mumble inaudible nonsense around him and those I meet for the first time. (Go ahead... LAUGH at my expense! I would!)

Mat & I outside of the Prudential "in a really nice park on a ... what day is it?
... Wednesday afternoon..." as he put it
(Hmm... my neck must have been REALLY shy...
it seems to have gone into hiding. Quite peculiar...)

In the evening went to the gym with RBK. Felt good to go since I hadn't for about 4 days. (Haha... It's been about 5 days since I've gone since... (Note to self: go tonight!!!))


THURSDAY - RBK dropped me off at the MFA so I could catch the "Americans in Paris" exhibit. It was interesting. Saw about 4 Whistlers (I had NO idea that "Portrait of My Mother" was as large as it is!). Was formally introduced to Curran whose use of color contrast and composition was really interesting. After walking through the exhibit, I had to make a tough decision: whether to go through the rest of the museum OR head out for lunch. Yeah... um... my stomach won and so I headed out of the museum and decided to walk down Huntington until something caught my eye. Ended up on NorthEastern's campus where I stopped for lunch in "Temptation Cafe", a local college hangout I assume since it was run by a couple of Frat boys.

KRL picked me up from there and then took me across the Charles into Cambridge where we walked Harvard's campus. Later that evening, she took me to Tapeo, a local Tapas Bar on Newbury. I LOVE Newbury!!!

The Dome inside the MFA

Some building on Harvard's campus. Looks like a church, no?


Above: "The Harry Potter Cafeteria" as KRL refers to it
Below: The exterior of said building
Double-fisting @ LA Burdick's Chocolatiers Mmmm...

FRIDAY - Met up with my dear friend Esther in Cambridge (we just realized that we've known each other for HALF of our lives!!! Craziness...). She took me to this hole-in-the-wall cafe called the Soundwave (or something to that effect) where we had brunch. It was yummers! My time there was made awkwardly memorable by multiple trips to the loo (where you need to actually walk THROUGH the kitchen) where I was accosted by a 40+ year-old cook from Spain who (I think) was trying to flirt with me [insert gagging noise]... en espanol!!!

After brunch visited EC's church where she is also working as an admin assistant. Met her coworkers who coaxed me into playing "Speed Scrabble" for an hour. Toured the church's campus, met some more coworkers and sat in on their monthly "Thursday/Friday BBQ".

Afterwards, we headed back into town where we spent a few hours walking parts of the Freedom Trail. Visited Park Street Church, one of the oldest and still active churches in the Boston area. Also walked through King's Church(?) and saw the booth where George Washington and his family sat for Sunday service.

Found our way to Fenueil Hall/Quincy Market where we shopped for panties for me b/c I forgot to bring an extra pair to KRL's house. You know... normal touristy stuff. (TMI you say? Muahaha)

Ended the day back in Copley, where we parted ways (she had dinner with friends later that evening). We were going to get together again on Newbury for drinks after her dinner, but she was pooped from the day... and it rained. So, KRL&CL took me to Shabu House in Brookline, where I had my first experience with "swish, swish" cuisine. It was interesting, although I had no idea what I was doing. Later on - after cancelling plans with EC - KRL and I watched "In Her Shoes" (haha... pretty much like any other Friday night of my life. I NEED a life! Someone please hang out with me?!?!?! )

Interior of King's Church(?) or was it Park Street?

Outside the King's Church /Cemetary

Somewhere in Copley

Street performers outside of Feneuil Hall/Quincy Market

Gives new meaning to the phrase "Hi Ho Silver", no?
(No, your eyes aren't fooling you. That is a LIVING human being
swathed in silver paint "performing" as a living statue)
Kept wanting to hoist his belt up... it looked like it was sliding off and he knew it


*******************

Yeah, so that was my trip. Great fun and sunburning was had. I'm hoping to go up again (this time in the cooler months!).

Although I really didn't see much, I was glad to spend time with dear friends, just chatting and wasting the day... The best memories of all!

Beantown or Bust!

So, I leave for Boston tomorrow morning for a (hopefully) relaxing week away. Really looking forward to it though I don't really know what I'll do for the whole 6 days I'm there... Yet to hear back from my friend up there - may have to track her down at her work number (like the good stalker that I am). Hehehe...

RBK&KCK and KRL&CL, thanks in advance for opening up your hearts and homes to little ol' me. I'll try not to be too much of an imposition. ;p

What Dreams May Come

[DISCLAIMER: This entry in NO WAY makes ANY sense!!! It's quite random and from a free-thought/frantic place. I PROMISE it will be a wee bit difficult to follow... Sorry!]

Ok, so I've been having really odd and creepy dreams this past week.

[FYI, I normally don't remember a SINGLE dream cuz I usually stay up til I finally pass out when I hit the bed.]

Save for the occasional dream I have of my MYTERY MAN (darn, still can't see his face!), my dreams are usually quite random and light-hearted (although, there was the ONE dream I had in HS when I was Luke Duke from GI JOe fighting off Cobra and his evil minions...). But these last two dreams have left me a bit... off kilter in a sense.

The first occurred Tuesday night. It was very Omen-esqe (with evil, creepy, little boy); the second, was about me being in a 4-car accident/hit-and-run. The latter really didn't bother me so much... I've just been driving a bit more carefully since Thursday. But the first dream [shudder]... I'm trying my hardest to forget it.

I don't know about all of you, but my imagination is quite vivid and EVERY dream I can recall is in great detail and IN COLOR (is this normal?).

So I SAW the face of evil, so to speak, in my dream. I can describe to you his age (approx. 4 or 5), height, hair color and eye color!!! It totally freaked me out! [Let's just say that if I run across any little boys with light brown hair and dark brown eyes, I, a grown woman, will be RUNNING far, far away... j/k]

Haha... I woke up from the Omen dream at a little before 6am and was so startled and wary of falling back to sleep (and revisiting the bad dream) that - now, you may find it silly (or cute in a sad way) - I remember mentally singing old hymns and "calling on Jesus." I then proceeded to try to forget the bad, bad dream by watching the morning news til about 7:30 when I felt safe to fall back asleep (and VERY bored).

Haha... I bet you are all either laughing at my expense or shaking your heads in disbelief and pity. But... WHATEVER! j/k

Let's hope I have a nice dream tonight. Perhaps my MYSTERY MAN will reveal his face to me... hahahaha...)

The Problem With Praise

Just yesterday a woman at our church came to talk a spell with me. She told me how much she enjoyed praise last week (when I had the "privelage" of leading). She told me I should consider cutting an album. [Hmmm... She's the second person to have said that to me.] I politely chuckled, gave my thanks for the compliment and continued with my lunch.

*************

It's hard to deflect the attenion from yourself and to aim it at the One to whom it belongs. We as humans crave attention. We were born with it. Since childhood we've saught the praise of our parents, friends, teachers, colleagues, etc. The world tells us we're only as good as what other people think of us. We glow with pride as our bosses tell us how pleased they are with what we've done. We hold our heads a bit higher as our teachers tell us how much they enjoyed our essay. There's a lightness to our step when someone tells us how particularly beautiful or thin we look today. And I smile impishly as a woman tells me I should record...

I've read a few articles and books by some noteworthy worship leaders and they all agree that to be in the "spotlight" is a dangerous place. They say it's a daily struggle with your ego and your pride. And at times, you are burdened because of your God-given gift. Seems contradicatory - to struggle in faith because of the gift He's given you, but it is real, I can testify to that. [BTW, I'm not comparing myself to the Chris Tomlins and Darlene Zshechs out there (they're way out of my league!). Just relating my struggles to theirs] And I wonder if I'm the only one on our team who feels this way. Is my faith that much weaker than those on our team?

And how do you accept compliments? To be honest, I've never been good at accepting a compliment. I've always felt a little... uneasy. Maybe it's because I really didn't get a lot of it as a child. Having typical uber-conservative Korean parents, none could blame me I suppose. But I also think part of it has to do with my perfectionism intermixed with my low self-esteem, criticalness and pride. I don't really believe the compliments I receive a lot of the time. I think I (or someone else) could do a MUCH better job. Or I think that the other person is just being polite.

So, I pose these questions to you, my friends:

* How do you accept compliments for God-given things/talents?
* How do you elevate HIM and make yourself smaller (without becoming some quivering, depressed person with no self-esteem)? How do you do so (deflect from yourself) without seeming rude or ungrateful to the person who gives the compliment?
* How do you feel good (but not too good) about the person/woman you are?

Baby Steps...

I read this passage this morning and thought I'd share it with you, my loverly friends...

[DISCLAIMER: This is a LONG entry... Read at your own discretion.]

Hosea 11 (New Living Translation)
New Living Translation (NLT)

Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright © 1996 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers.
Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Hosea 11
The LORDs Love for Israel
1"When Israel was a child, I loved him as a son, and I called my son out of Egypt. 2But the more I[a] called to him, the more he rebelled, offering sacrifices to the images of Baal and burning incense to idols. 3It was I who taught Israel[b] how to walk, leading him along by the hand. But he doesn't know or even care that it was I who took care of him. 4I led Israel along with my ropes of kindness and love. I lifted the yoke from his neck, and I myself stooped to feed him.

5"But since my people refuse to return to me, they will go back to Egypt and will be forced to serve Assyria. 6War will swirl through their cities; their enemies will crash through their gates and destroy them, trapping them in their own evil plans. 7For my people are determined to desert me. They call me the Most High, but they don't truly honor me.

8"Oh, how can I give you up, Israel? How can I let you go? How can I destroy you like Admah and Zeboiim? My heart is torn within me, and my compassion overflows. 9No, I will not punish you as much as my burning anger tells me to. I will not completely destroy Israel, for I am God and not a mere mortal. I am the Holy One living among you, and I will not come to destroy.

10"For someday the people will follow the LORD. I will roar like a lion, and my people will return trembling from the west. 11Like a flock of birds, they will come from Egypt. Flying like doves, they will return from Assyria. And I will bring them home again," says the LORD.

How could God love us so? It's incomparable. Indescribable. Unfathomable. Despite who He is, He CHOSE to love us?!? He wrestles with Himself (being completely Holy, and God Almighty) and His mercy, love, and grace shine through.

The version I read this morning said that His heart "beats" for us. How awesome that the God of the Universe and all of creation loves us so! That His heart would race and pour out at the mere thought of us.

**********

A few of my friends' babies have been learning to walk these days. When I read verse 3, I immediately thought of them.

You see the unsureness in her eyes. Can I really do this? they seem to say. But at the same time there's this eagerness - like some innate force within her is compelling her to stand on her two feet, to move. Her legs aren't used to the physical demand she's now putting on them. They wobble and eventually give. She falls. She'll fall time and time again, but it's OK because it's all a part of the process. It's all a part of growing.

She reaches out and asks that you hold her up.

You take her two little hands in yours and you lead her.
She relies on your strength to give her strength now. Though her steps are wobbly, she trusts that you won't let her fall. And you won't let her give up because you know it's a pain and frustration she's going to have to endure. You won't always be there to carry her, she needs to learn to stand on her own.

Pretty soon she's walking. Soon she'll be running. And you watch from the sidelines - always on the ready in case she falls. And she will eventually. But you'll be there to pick her up, tend to the wounds, wipe her tears and send her on her way again.

The Father's heart surpasses this, I think. He holds us up in His hands every moment of our lives. And He NEVER lets go - through trials, distractions, other loves, and though our hearts wander. He is persistent and faithful. He will never let go. Even in our last days when there's no more strength in our hands to hold on and death is a breath away, He will still hold on. And on that day He'll lead us home.

A Movie Release

[FYI, I think I've forced myself to turn this out in response to my delusionally, nonsensical thoughts from earlier in the week. Hahaha... enjoy!]


If I were to sum up my thoughts in 2 movie quotes, they would be:

"I am an idiot! I've bought a house for a life I don't even have!" - Francis, Under The Tuscan Sun

and

"Every step I have taken was to bring me closer to you" - Chiyo (Sayuri), Memoirs of a Geisha

Why? Well, as you, my loyal fans, have witnessed in this journal, I AM A DREAMER!

(There, I said it... That's the first step... to fess up to your problem)

I fantasize and hope for things I do not have. I dream of the day when I'll meet my (earthly) One. My knight on horseback. My other half. I wonder who it could be who would be able to "catch" me.

[BTW, why do we refer to the whole dating/marriage thing as catching (i.e. "She's such a catch!") anyhow? ... So bizarre!]

I dream of the children to whom I will sing lullabies to at night and protect from the monsters and other things lurking under their beds. I imagine what it will be like to watch this tiny person grow and mature and to feel this unbreakable connection to him/her, knowing that he/she is literally a part of me (oh yeah, and part of daddy, too!).

But I must sober myself from this drunken stupor of fantasy. I need to learn to be at peace with and, indeed, prepared for the possibility that I may not have these things. As much as I trust that God will bring these things, I also need to trust Him if He does not. My life is not my own. It's His and I am blessed/entrusted to live it for Him. But the nagging voices of doubt keep whispering,

Will He be enough?... REALLY enough?

Will you be HAPPY and live HAPPILY even if your ideal "happily ever after" doesn't lie in wait at the end of your story, but, instead HIS happy ending does?

Will you be HAPPY?

Enter the second quote...

I will have faith that even this (the wondering, longing, waiting, etc.) are a part of His plan... to bring me closer to Him (and maybe... him, too?).

Each bend in the road,
Every tiny step I've taken (and they have been tiny);
All the hills and valleys
Have been laid out before me to bring me closer to the love of my life... my Saviour.

[Sorry, if today's passage was a bit somber and awkward... but, as it says in the title, they are truly "random thoughts" from an even more random mind!]

Jesus Paid It All

(verse 1)
I hear the Savior say,
"Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all."

Refrain
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain;
He washed it white as snow.

(verse 2)
Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper's spots,
And melt the heart of stone.

(verse 3)
Since nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim,
I'll wash my garment white
In the blood of Calvary's Lamb.

(verse 4)
And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I'll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus' feet.