It's hard to let go... to say farewell... to say your good-byes to something so familiar. To step out now into the undefined and trust His hand will guide you through the fog and disillusions.

Fin

After nearly 8 years of weekly practices and fun (and not so fun) times, I am closing the door to a small chapter of my life.

It is, in its most innocent ways, a bittersweet farewell... this letting go. But it's for the best. For me. For them. Time for a new group to come up - people, God-willing, more talented and spiritually equipped than I. Those with thicker skins and softer hearts.

New(ish) Stuff

There are some new things on the other blogger site.

Feel free to check them out if you like.

I won't be insulted (too much) if you don't. ;p

It's time we DTR

Today I am going to talk to my boss to discuss this summer. He and I are butting heads about my hours (or soon to be lack there of). I've been putting off talking to him about it. I blame my Koreanness and my distaste of confrontation.
Anyhow, so yeah, I will be speaking with him today. I don't know if it's the weather (gloomy and raining), my lack of sleep, or other factors, but today... well, it just feels off.
If you get the chance, please say a quick prayer.
- annieisoffkilter

True Irony...

... is when the boss who is NOTORIOUSLY LATE and NEVER responds to ANY calls, gets mad at the fact that someone else had him wait for once. Even more ironic is that he who purposefully tries to put people in their place and berates them, complains (whines, really) that the person who had him wait is showing him "disrespect."

I love my job.

Always Online...

People have been astonished at the fact that I can survive - am upright, really - with what little sleep I get in a day/night. I don't know what it is. Call it chronic, life-long insomnia or my fear of missing out (see blog below). I don't know. I just don't like the act of sleeping. Being inactive. Immobile. Offline.

It's catching up to me, however. Each morning is a battle that I lose.

Body-12182083, Annie-0

Hmm... Maybe I should "act my age" and head to bed at a more reasonable hour...

1am? Yes?

The Consequences of Aging... Gracefully?

I've always had these puffy little cushions under my eyes. They plump up when I smile. Surrounded by dark circles since as long as I can remember. Casualties of my many late nights as a child, never wanting to fall asleep for fear that I would miss out on something amazing.

Cover-up is my best friend, but...

My skin is not what it used to be. I think it's in some weird rebellious phase - reverting back to its Junior High pubescence. It's breaking out... all over.

*sigh*

Why is it that...

... you're never quite as popular as when you're about to leave or go through some MAJOR life-altering event?

Shouldn't you be thought of - and people want to share time with you - just because? No motives. Not because you're going away. Not because everyone's afraid you're going through some major meltdown... Just because. Because you're YOU and that's enough.

...

Just a thought.

On Slowing Down...

The official busy season here at work is drawing to a close (for the time being) and I'm finding myself... well, bored. Useless. Twiddling my thumbs and staring into space.

It's a dangerous place for me - this state of momentary pausing. Too much time and the mind starts to wander. It starts to go to places and dreams for the future. Traverses the past and present circumstances.

I search.
I wander.
I hunt.
And I wonder.

Trying to find your place in this world [that OLD Michael W. Smith songs starts resonating in my head] is a daunting task. I see glimpses of it, yes... but they're so fleeting. Like mosquitoes in those humid summer nights, they flit and flee... zooming by your ear. And when you turn to find them, they're gone... off to haunt another.

buzz...
Huh?
whizz...
Hmm?

Gone.

THITH THUCKS

So, I apparently bit both sides of my tongue whilst sleeping last night. Maybe I was hungry. Maybe I had a hankering for some chewing gum. I dunno. All I DO know is that my tongue hurts. It's swollen and uncomfortable in my mouth.

I sound like Elmer Fudd's cousin in the UK. A cousin who likes to store marbles in her mouth.

Awesome.

And I Quote...

Two quotes. Both from "Sister Act II" (Stop laughing!)

Word-songs have power...



I will live rejoicing...

Extreme Makeovers...

[Haha... I'm recycling blogs... Sorry! I'm lazy!]

I'm sitting here in my room. Much too cold out to be wandering about the streets of Philly (though I wish I could!). I think the cold would be more bearable had we any evidence that winter was indeed HERE. Where is all the snow?!? Seems winter is refusing to cooperate with us, save for some "sprinklin's" (to borrow a friend's words) and the BLISTERINGLY cold winds. It must have been tired of all the complaints of snow from all the years before... Odd when the sun is wanting to share its warmth but finds itself battling to do so in the midst of the blowing winds. But I digress...

But yeah... Here I am sitting in my room and all I can hear is this constant BANGING and CRASHING. You see, my neighbors are renovating. I take it from all the banging and ripping and gouging and hammering that they must be re-tiling the bathroom. It's quite annoying actually because there is NO way to buffer the noise... or get around it. It follows me EVERYWHERE! I've tried to have my AnnieTunes running full blast as high as it can go... but loud noises scare me. I COULD stick my fingers in my ears and scream at the top of my lungs, but I find that to be very tiresome... Besides, how on earth would I be able to type this poignant and eloquent blog? ;p

All this talk and noise of renovating has me wondering about life. So many times I have tried to rehab my life, but been unsuccessful because I'd only been trying to fix the outward things. You can put on the make up, the clothes, the smile, the laugh... but at the end of the day, you are exactly who/where you were/are. Nothing has changed. Have you ever had those moments when you felt like a clown? Trying desperately not to let anyone get close enough to see the cracks in your mask? Wanting to spare them the chaos?

But your problems don't go away because you turn a deaf ear to them. Like this incessant banging next door, you can't avoid the problems in your life. You have to face them dead on. Face the ugliness of your past demons - those monsters and skeletons in the closet of life. And as scary a thing it is to do, to take comfort in the fact that Christ has suffered these demons for us. He's seen the piles of skeletons I've locked up behind closed doors and fake smiles and hasn't blinked an eye.

He's wanting to clean out the closet and hang his forgiveness and acceptance there. To hush all the commotion of life and our sins, so that His voice rings clearer...

Wow, the banging next door has stopped for a moment... time for me to be productive I guess. Until next time friends...

~ a

Currently listening : Just Another Diamond Day By Vashti Bunyan Release date: By 19 October, 2004

These Nail-Pierced Hands

After discussing Matthew 8:23-34 with a friend (particularly v. 24), I was moved to write and reflect upon it. If you're interested at all, you can read it here on my Xanga blog (yes, I'm EVERYWHERE! muahahahaha....)

Joke of the Day...

Someone sent this to me and I thought I'd pass it along to you... Enjoy!

************************

A new preacher was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked."

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Theme Songs...

My life as a song...

"Fidelity" by Regina Spektor

Yup. That's me...
Head in the clouds.
Talking/laughing to myself.
Daydreaming.
Talking to my imaginary yet-to-be Mister.
Heart on my sleeve.

That's me in a nutshell.

[sigh]

To Run the Race...

So, I was watching some recap of this year's IronMan in Kona, HI and was so moved by the stories. (no, not moved enough to actually try to compete in one... i'm not insane!!!)

There was this one story of a 76 year-old nun (yeah, that's right, kiddies... SEVENTY-SIX!!!) who was competing in her 20th IronMan. She put people like me - nearly 50 years her minor - to shame. You could see in her eyes and spirit that she had LIVED this life she was given... and more importantly, she had enjoyed it! She ran the race with no other motivation than to beat her biggest adversary... herself.

I'm sure there were TONS of others like her with similarly inspiring stories, but the one that hit me the hardest (yes, that means I cried!) was the story of a guy who suffers from ALS (aka Lou Gherig's).

He ran the IM2005 last year, knowing in his heart that if he wanted to do it, he'd better do it that year. He said that he'd complete it - even if it meant that someone would have to roll him across the finishline b/c he foresaw that he'd never get the chance to do so again. And he was right. Just 12 months after running the race, Mr. Blais (or "Blazeman" as he's so affectionately called) was/is wheelchair-bound.

A teacher from Chicago by the name of Brian Green (who had never met Mr. Blais) was so inspired by his story that he - a self-proclaimed average, unathletic guy - decided he would compete in this year's race FOR Mr. Blais and for all victims of ALS. He tracked down Blazeman and a deep friendship was formed. Green finished the race, carrying the same flag Blais held as he rolled himself across the finishline. He (and other racers who had met and/or heard of Blais' story) rolled across the finishline as well to show Blazeman their support and admiration.

Mr. Blais will most likely be gone when IronMan2007 rolls around. But, he'll leave a legacy behind. He's touched thousands of people worldwide with his story and has done what he saught out to do - to bring awareness to ALS.

Like, the individuals in these stories, we, too, are running a race. Ours, however, is not one where the end goal is clearly in view. There are obstacles - summits and valleys so steep that it seems impossible to tarry on. We battle ourselves and all that this world tells us is worthy to pursue. But I believe there's something more... more worthy and satisfying than ANYTHING life throws at us. And, yes, there will be moments (like now) when I feel defeated... overwhelmed by the mountains before me, but I know that there is One who has ran and CONQUERED this race for me. He holds my hand firmly in His and assures me that He won't let go... even when my grip starts to loosen.

So, I will run this race for Him, my Great Champion and my biggest fan.

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. - Hebrews 12:1-3

So, THIS is Why People Think I'm Mixed!!!

Hahaha... So, I tried out this new site that takes your face and compares it to celebrities that have the similar features.

I never understood why people thought I was mixed, but now, I guess, I understand. [FYI: I've been asked by people if I was half African-American and I think I may been asked if I was part Latina, too... can't remember]

Haha.. I apparently look a lot like Raven Simone!!! Hilarious. Let me know if you agree with the site and go try it out for yourselves.

Hallmark Movies Always Make Me Cry...

Yup, I love Hallmark movies. True, I'm always in need of a Kleenex (or four!), but I love them. They always have such wholesome messages: usually about love and friendship; or finding what really matters (and makes you happy) in life.

Tonight I partially watched "Candles on Bay Street" starring Alicia Silverstone. I say partially because I fell asleep during some part in the middle (I blame it on a tryptophan-induced food coma from eating leftovers). At the end of the movie was this poem by a poet I'd never heard of before (but whose poetry I will be adding to my list of "to reads"):

First Figs by Edna St. Vincent Millay

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends –
It gives a lovely light

It reminds me of how transient this time we have here is. And that it is indeed a gift - this life we live - however bad it may seem at times. As a Christian, I'm comforted to know that all the good (and the bad) times we face are reflecting the Creator's "lovely light."

So, may He forever illumine the path before us with His glory...

Lessons From a Dancing Penguin

So, this past weekend a friend and I went to go see the new movie Happy Feet...

Before I go on my spiel about the lessons I learned from this "kiddy flick", I must tell you that the CG was AMAZING!!! I couldn't believe my eyes and was thinking how spoiled kids are these days. Whatever happened to our beloved 2D Disney classics? This is the reason why I'm convinced kids nowadays have NO imagination.

But I digress...

The central theme of the movie (without giving too much away) was finding yourself, your passions and being who you are. Typical message, true. But I like how they phrased it:

"Every penguin has a heartsong"

The main character struggles with finding his heartsong - his identity you could say. As I watched the movie, that message resonated with me. Like Mumble, the main character, I've oft felt as if I didn't always fit in with what's considered the norm. Believe me I tried my darndest (like I'm sure most of you have) to fit in with the "in-crowd" - those cool kids whom EVERYONE wanted to know and hang out with. I was always juuuust outside of this circle, stuck somewhere between there and being a wallflower.

But as I'm growing into this woman God has made me to be, I'm SLOWLY (stressing S-L-O-W-L-Y!!!) learning to rejoice in my quirks. To praise Him for my introspectiveness and how I need to process everything. I'm still struggling with this heart that sits atop my sleeve for all the world to see - these emotions that tend to (especially these days) sit just under the surface, at the ready to erupt at a moments notice. And as I sit writing this, the Spirit whispers softly the beautiful words of Psalm 139:

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

We are "fearfully and wonderfully" - and might I add thoughtfully - made. Painstakingly formed by the gentle hands of a loving and powerful artisan. Each scar this world afflicts we wear like medals of honor. Each quirk in us reflects some part of the Creator or, more importantly, our need of Him.

He's placed in each of us HIS song. And as we daily search for Him, we find our heartsongs I think.

From one finding her heartsong...