Lately the urge for future things has grown stronger. Case in point: While on my way to get my hair cut this morning, I drove past the cutest little Arts&Crafts-style bungalow. There standing on the front porch was a man holding his baby boy as he discovered the new numbers on the front of the house, running his tiny little fingers across the grooves and layers of paint. My heart skipped and a pang resounded in the deepest parts of me. And for a moment, impatient hope ran a muck as I daydreamed about my future family -- about the still faceless dark-haired man, the one who haunts me in my scarce dreams and of the tiny ones I'll carry and hold...
They say that Spring stirs something in you, that it awakens the soul and warms the heart that ran cold all winter. I'm starting to think they (whoever they are) may be on to something.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Ho-Hummage
I sit here in Fido on a rainy Sunday afternoon staring out at Hillsboro Village, watching as couples clutch each other under umbrellas while cars slosh by.
There's something so calming about rainy days. Something so blissfully relaxing. Maybe it's in the way raindrops dance on the pavement. Or in the way they collect and flow ever so slowly. Streams against sidewalks.
It's the sort of day that makes you want to curl up by a fire, book in hand, warm cider at the ready.
----
I spent a few hours this afternoon watching a handful of toddlers and infants while their parents mingled at an introductory event for a group trip our church is sponsoring this fall. While watching the kiddies, the lone boy, 8-month old Charles, fell asleep resting on my shoulder.
It's captivating the way a baby will so trustingly lay his tired little head on your shoulder, right in the crook of your neck. The way his little hands pulse and gently grasp onto the strands of your hair. The sweet sighs and suckling sounds that come softly as he drifts off to Wonderland.
Holding him then, watching him as he slept so peacefully, I thought about the little ones I'll have one day. And of the family I would like to have.
There's something so calming about rainy days. Something so blissfully relaxing. Maybe it's in the way raindrops dance on the pavement. Or in the way they collect and flow ever so slowly. Streams against sidewalks.
It's the sort of day that makes you want to curl up by a fire, book in hand, warm cider at the ready.
----
I spent a few hours this afternoon watching a handful of toddlers and infants while their parents mingled at an introductory event for a group trip our church is sponsoring this fall. While watching the kiddies, the lone boy, 8-month old Charles, fell asleep resting on my shoulder.
It's captivating the way a baby will so trustingly lay his tired little head on your shoulder, right in the crook of your neck. The way his little hands pulse and gently grasp onto the strands of your hair. The sweet sighs and suckling sounds that come softly as he drifts off to Wonderland.
Holding him then, watching him as he slept so peacefully, I thought about the little ones I'll have one day. And of the family I would like to have.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Silver Threads and Golden Beams
There is much unrest in my heart as of late. Job security and comfort wane with each passing day. Each day thoughts of uncertainty and what-ifs plague my soul.
Every day is filled with grayness. Light hides itself. It’s cold and dark and dank.
Today, much to our surprise and shock, the first round of lay-offs started. They were done discreetly. So quietly, in fact, that I was ignorant of them until late in the afternoon when I’d overheard some co-workers’ discussion. The pile of boxes in the back room sit ominously now. I’m worried.
Just now, walking down the hall a short while ago, my eyes caught sight of the horizon just before dusk. The gleam of gold breaking the darkness of day tells this worrisome soul that there is a silver lining. Just beyond my reach, but near enough to give hope on gloomy days such as these.
In all of this, I’m forcing myself to remember the truth of the matter: That I am loved and cared for by an infinite, immeasurably gracious and faithful Savior. That He desires my heart to race towards Him. To hear His footsteps as he runs towards. To behold Him and be held in His gaze.
Every day is filled with grayness. Light hides itself. It’s cold and dark and dank.
Today, much to our surprise and shock, the first round of lay-offs started. They were done discreetly. So quietly, in fact, that I was ignorant of them until late in the afternoon when I’d overheard some co-workers’ discussion. The pile of boxes in the back room sit ominously now. I’m worried.
Just now, walking down the hall a short while ago, my eyes caught sight of the horizon just before dusk. The gleam of gold breaking the darkness of day tells this worrisome soul that there is a silver lining. Just beyond my reach, but near enough to give hope on gloomy days such as these.
In all of this, I’m forcing myself to remember the truth of the matter: That I am loved and cared for by an infinite, immeasurably gracious and faithful Savior. That He desires my heart to race towards Him. To hear His footsteps as he runs towards. To behold Him and be held in His gaze.
Monday, January 04, 2010
Confessions of a Relationship-aholic
As most take on the daunting task of pursuing New Year's resolutions, I reflect on the past year -- of all that's transpired, with and without.
This year I plan on continuing on this journey towards openness and active love. Quality over quantity. But, even as I resolve my heart to do this, there is some amount of hesitation, lament and... skepticism.
To pursue the heart of Christ is hard enough. But, to live out that same love for others, is perhaps the hardest thing to do. It requires a lot of patience, which I'm sadly coming to realize wanes each day. Compassion, forgiveness and humility are also things that don't come as naturally as I once thought. Sadly.
This year, as I take this bull by the horns, I realize that many relationships will have to fall through the cracks. Many, in fact, already have. It's necessary I suppose so that I can allow God to nurture and deepen the relationships that matter most. The rest will scatter like chaff... my frail heart hurts to think about it.
Before I end my nonsensical confession, I leave you with an article that perhaps best describes what I long for (and need) in every relationship I care about. Please read it, reflect on it, use is as a barometer for every relationship in your life -- the ones you care about and want to remain anyway.
This year I plan on continuing on this journey towards openness and active love. Quality over quantity. But, even as I resolve my heart to do this, there is some amount of hesitation, lament and... skepticism.
To pursue the heart of Christ is hard enough. But, to live out that same love for others, is perhaps the hardest thing to do. It requires a lot of patience, which I'm sadly coming to realize wanes each day. Compassion, forgiveness and humility are also things that don't come as naturally as I once thought. Sadly.
This year, as I take this bull by the horns, I realize that many relationships will have to fall through the cracks. Many, in fact, already have. It's necessary I suppose so that I can allow God to nurture and deepen the relationships that matter most. The rest will scatter like chaff... my frail heart hurts to think about it.
Before I end my nonsensical confession, I leave you with an article that perhaps best describes what I long for (and need) in every relationship I care about. Please read it, reflect on it, use is as a barometer for every relationship in your life -- the ones you care about and want to remain anyway.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Stuck in a Moment...
... and I can't get out of it.
I'm realizing more and more these days that I am a limited being. In every sense of the word:
Physically
I hobble to and fro on a knee that's still trying to figure out if it wants to cooperate with the rest of my body and allow me the chance to be fully mobile once more. I want to run and swim and walk without wincing when you buckle, damn you!
Mentally
There are days I'm almost positive I'm showing signs of early dementia. Have to be... What other excuse could there be for constantly losing the remote? Or my train of thought for that matter?
Relationally
Perhaps the area of greatest deficiency. In looking at my heart the past few days/weeks, I realize more and more that I'm not as nice as you all think I am. It scares me to think that I may possibly be incapable of love. Real love. The kind that gives without expecting. That is unconditional. Without limits. That forgives and is understanding. That kind of love. And sadly, I feel undeserving of it a lot lately.
I know this particular deficiency (my limited, stunted ability to love others) is due in large part to my lackluster pursuit of Christ these days. I don't know what's going on within me or what these invisible, seemingly impenitrable barriers before me are, but... I want -- nay, need -- to break out.
I want to love selflessly and unconditionally as You do, Lord... I just don't know how.
I'm realizing more and more these days that I am a limited being. In every sense of the word:
Physically
I hobble to and fro on a knee that's still trying to figure out if it wants to cooperate with the rest of my body and allow me the chance to be fully mobile once more. I want to run and swim and walk without wincing when you buckle, damn you!
Mentally
There are days I'm almost positive I'm showing signs of early dementia. Have to be... What other excuse could there be for constantly losing the remote? Or my train of thought for that matter?
Relationally
Perhaps the area of greatest deficiency. In looking at my heart the past few days/weeks, I realize more and more that I'm not as nice as you all think I am. It scares me to think that I may possibly be incapable of love. Real love. The kind that gives without expecting. That is unconditional. Without limits. That forgives and is understanding. That kind of love. And sadly, I feel undeserving of it a lot lately.
I know this particular deficiency (my limited, stunted ability to love others) is due in large part to my lackluster pursuit of Christ these days. I don't know what's going on within me or what these invisible, seemingly impenitrable barriers before me are, but... I want -- nay, need -- to break out.
I want to love selflessly and unconditionally as You do, Lord... I just don't know how.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Somewhere In Between
I've been feeling at a loss a lot lately. Displaced. Unloved. Forgotten.
Truthfully, as much as I'd rather not admit it, I sometimes need to know I matter to you -- even if just a little bit. A kind word. A phone call. A smile or hug to know that I'm not as alone as I'm feeling these days...
It's tiring for people like me to constantly be the ones reaching out. Hold out your arms long enough and they'll start shaking and ache from exhaustion.
That's where I'm at. Exhausted. Tired of reaching out only to have nothing there to grasp.
Everything inside wants to just retract from everything... Live in my head. In my tiny, solitary world. To rely on me and me alone. To not care at all for anything/-one anymore. To be like the rest of the world and think of myself and my agenda and nothing else.
I hate this place I'm finding myself these days.
Hate it.
Truthfully, as much as I'd rather not admit it, I sometimes need to know I matter to you -- even if just a little bit. A kind word. A phone call. A smile or hug to know that I'm not as alone as I'm feeling these days...
It's tiring for people like me to constantly be the ones reaching out. Hold out your arms long enough and they'll start shaking and ache from exhaustion.
That's where I'm at. Exhausted. Tired of reaching out only to have nothing there to grasp.
Everything inside wants to just retract from everything... Live in my head. In my tiny, solitary world. To rely on me and me alone. To not care at all for anything/-one anymore. To be like the rest of the world and think of myself and my agenda and nothing else.
I hate this place I'm finding myself these days.
Hate it.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmastime is Here...
It's now officially Christmas. Jesus' "birthday." A time of celebration and quiet thankfulness... Or so we'd all like to think.
While visiting with childhood friends, their father (my old pastor) and one friend's new baby, it struck me how quickly Christmas snuck up on all of us and how fast 2009 has flown past. You see, this will be the family's second Christmas without their mother. It will have been a year and a half since she was killed in a tragic car accident. I still can't believe it.
As we sat there reminiscing about the old times, I couldn't help but glance about the living room at pictures of their mother. Family photos. Graduation pictures. Small momentos of a women who loved/lived/served well. It was bittersweet -- to know that she was gone from this earthly realm and would never meet her grandson or witness anymore milestones in the life of the family she loved so well.
Going about the day (and the week for that matter), my heart and mind have been elsewhere. Distracted. Drifting. In a season when my heart could have been gratefully reflecting on the miraculous, immeasurable divine gift our Savior, I wasted moments in self-indulgence and gluttony in every sense of the word.
I'm short-fused lately. People cannot/will not live up to my expectations. I feel somewhere in-between and as if I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere I go. I am perturbed to put it nicely.
All of this restlessness came full circle today as I watched everyone (including me) run around in a frenzy:
- Watching as my mom battled her guilty conscious at not being able to give anything to our old pastor's family nor to my brother or I (we've been in the habit of not exchanging gifts for a number of years simply because we'd all be broke)
- Attending a Christmas Eve service with the church I'd left, my calloused heart drifted toward cynicism, judgement and impatience.
- Going to a friend's house, I labored to tolerate friends who'd somehow decided that on Christmas Eve it would be fun to get annoyingly loud and piss-drunk playing drinking games to then go and spend the rest of the night berating people (some who weren't even present and many of whom have since left the church).
- Checking in on Facebook, I'm bombarded with statuses about last-minute Christmas shopping or gift-wrapping.
Thinking back on all of this, I can't help but fear how skewed our (my) thoughts (still) are about this all-too-important holiday season.
Lord, please forgive me/us... We know all too well what we do and don't do.
While visiting with childhood friends, their father (my old pastor) and one friend's new baby, it struck me how quickly Christmas snuck up on all of us and how fast 2009 has flown past. You see, this will be the family's second Christmas without their mother. It will have been a year and a half since she was killed in a tragic car accident. I still can't believe it.
As we sat there reminiscing about the old times, I couldn't help but glance about the living room at pictures of their mother. Family photos. Graduation pictures. Small momentos of a women who loved/lived/served well. It was bittersweet -- to know that she was gone from this earthly realm and would never meet her grandson or witness anymore milestones in the life of the family she loved so well.
Going about the day (and the week for that matter), my heart and mind have been elsewhere. Distracted. Drifting. In a season when my heart could have been gratefully reflecting on the miraculous, immeasurable divine gift our Savior, I wasted moments in self-indulgence and gluttony in every sense of the word.
I'm short-fused lately. People cannot/will not live up to my expectations. I feel somewhere in-between and as if I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere I go. I am perturbed to put it nicely.
All of this restlessness came full circle today as I watched everyone (including me) run around in a frenzy:
- Watching as my mom battled her guilty conscious at not being able to give anything to our old pastor's family nor to my brother or I (we've been in the habit of not exchanging gifts for a number of years simply because we'd all be broke)
- Attending a Christmas Eve service with the church I'd left, my calloused heart drifted toward cynicism, judgement and impatience.
- Going to a friend's house, I labored to tolerate friends who'd somehow decided that on Christmas Eve it would be fun to get annoyingly loud and piss-drunk playing drinking games to then go and spend the rest of the night berating people (some who weren't even present and many of whom have since left the church).
- Checking in on Facebook, I'm bombarded with statuses about last-minute Christmas shopping or gift-wrapping.
Thinking back on all of this, I can't help but fear how skewed our (my) thoughts (still) are about this all-too-important holiday season.
Lord, please forgive me/us... We know all too well what we do and don't do.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Back to the Future?
I'm realizing again a feeling of transition. Of being in a familiar state of limbo. I don't like it. I don't like me when I'm here. This place of limbo will often have me questioning and doubting everything and everyone. Questions arise within my mind and heart. Do I belong? And, if so, where? Do I matter at all? (In the grand scheme of things, no because Christ, hopefully, matters more in my life.)
It's a heaviness that I'd thought I'd finally unburdened myself of. But, Loneliness, Confusion and Melancholy are stirring up again. I don't like it.
It's a heaviness that I'd thought I'd finally unburdened myself of. But, Loneliness, Confusion and Melancholy are stirring up again. I don't like it.
Donner. Party of 8
I'm sitting on the floor of my living room. Bored. Out. of. my. mind. (Oh, did I mention I'm back home for the holidays in Philadelphia?)
Although fortunate to arrive a day ahead of the snowstorm that stranded at least one friend of mine who was hoping to get home, I am now cageed in my childhood home. Have been for the past 3 days actually.
Friends are all miles away, and, when your car is stuck in nearly 20 inches of snow, it's impossible to drive any distance to see them. No matter how much you want to. Not even if they may prove to be the antidote to the Cabin Fever you've suffered for the past 2 days.
My only companionship is Nigel (the laptop), cable television, my brooding brother and my incessantly nagging mother who doesn't seem to know what an "inside voice" is supposed to sound like.
I'm going stir-crazy. Someone help me... Please.
Although fortunate to arrive a day ahead of the snowstorm that stranded at least one friend of mine who was hoping to get home, I am now cageed in my childhood home. Have been for the past 3 days actually.
Friends are all miles away, and, when your car is stuck in nearly 20 inches of snow, it's impossible to drive any distance to see them. No matter how much you want to. Not even if they may prove to be the antidote to the Cabin Fever you've suffered for the past 2 days.
My only companionship is Nigel (the laptop), cable television, my brooding brother and my incessantly nagging mother who doesn't seem to know what an "inside voice" is supposed to sound like.
I'm going stir-crazy. Someone help me... Please.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Self Portraits
I'm bone-tired. My feet hurt. My head reels. And I just want to crawl into a ball here on the floor of Fido and sleep by the construction paper fire place. Like a cat. [Maybe bear would be a better choice of words?]
If you care to know, I spent the entire day volunteering at Help-Portrait Nashville.
It was amazing. My mood, however, fluctuated.
Reflecting back on the day, I realize how very thin are the veils of patience and kindness that I profess to wear so proudly. A few people rubbed me the wrong way and my immediate response was frustration, anger and the occasional death stare.
Some of the people were impatient, others ungrateful or pushy. One volunteer completely took advantage of my helpfulness and ran off to hobnob while I tended to my group and hers.
In all of this, I learned (again) how very self-righteous I can be. As I walked around, I felt the Grinch within grumble.
I don't know what to make of this other than the simple truth that I need Jesus. A whole lot. More than you or I could ever know...
If you care to know, I spent the entire day volunteering at Help-Portrait Nashville.
It was amazing. My mood, however, fluctuated.
Reflecting back on the day, I realize how very thin are the veils of patience and kindness that I profess to wear so proudly. A few people rubbed me the wrong way and my immediate response was frustration, anger and the occasional death stare.
Some of the people were impatient, others ungrateful or pushy. One volunteer completely took advantage of my helpfulness and ran off to hobnob while I tended to my group and hers.
In all of this, I learned (again) how very self-righteous I can be. As I walked around, I felt the Grinch within grumble.
I don't know what to make of this other than the simple truth that I need Jesus. A whole lot. More than you or I could ever know...
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Winter Wanderlands
every now and then, it grips me –
this feeling of wanderlust
of wanting.
perhaps these slow, silent winter nights awake within me
a yearning
my soul’s sighing
I wait for you –
(im)patiently
trusting you’ll come near
until then, I’ll rest here
safely amidst these blankets of night;
waiting for you
wherever you are
- 2009|12.10
this feeling of wanderlust
of wanting.
perhaps these slow, silent winter nights awake within me
a yearning
my soul’s sighing
I wait for you –
(im)patiently
trusting you’ll come near
until then, I’ll rest here
safely amidst these blankets of night;
waiting for you
wherever you are
- 2009|12.10
Monday, November 30, 2009
Fearless?
During my lunch today, I went down to my landlord's office to complain about the lights in my apartment -- the lights that have not been working for TEN STRAIGHT DAYS now! I confidently (and politely) asked for compensation for the month. He told me it was fine to not pay rent until he was sure the electrical problem was fixed.
You might ask why I bother to bring this up. Why this is so noteworthy as to post on this boring blog no one reads. I mention this because, well, had this been a few years ago, I don't think I would have been as bold.
I lacked the gumption I have now (or am learning to have).
I think about how far I've come. This meek little sparrow, so prone to hide in the shadows. I'm reserved still, yes, but... I'm OK with it.
Always have been actually.
You might ask why I bother to bring this up. Why this is so noteworthy as to post on this boring blog no one reads. I mention this because, well, had this been a few years ago, I don't think I would have been as bold.
I lacked the gumption I have now (or am learning to have).
I think about how far I've come. This meek little sparrow, so prone to hide in the shadows. I'm reserved still, yes, but... I'm OK with it.
Always have been actually.
I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm... (Not Really)
I'm sitting in my tried and true little neighborhood coffeeshop, Fido, at the coveted table by the outlets. The right leg elevated and resting on a chair to give my injured knee a bit of a reprieve from a day's worth of pounding the pavement and climbing stairs.
It's cold, so cold in here. I'm wondering if the guys in the kitchen are walking around in their skivvies, cranking up the AC so they won't succumb to the heat. You know what they say: "If you can't stand the heat... turn up the AC."
But, as cold as I am, as blue as my fingers and toes are turning and as red as my nose must be, I'd rather sit here in this arctic tundra than go home to a dark apartment and watch more movies.
It's funny, Frank Sinatra was playing on the speakers a short while ago... Crooning some nonsense about how love will keep you warm. Somehow, sitting here in the cold, ill-prepared for an indoor winterfest, I'm highly doubting any amount of lovey-doviness will keep me from hypothermia's doorstep.
It's cold, so cold in here. I'm wondering if the guys in the kitchen are walking around in their skivvies, cranking up the AC so they won't succumb to the heat. You know what they say: "If you can't stand the heat... turn up the AC."
But, as cold as I am, as blue as my fingers and toes are turning and as red as my nose must be, I'd rather sit here in this arctic tundra than go home to a dark apartment and watch more movies.
It's funny, Frank Sinatra was playing on the speakers a short while ago... Crooning some nonsense about how love will keep you warm. Somehow, sitting here in the cold, ill-prepared for an indoor winterfest, I'm highly doubting any amount of lovey-doviness will keep me from hypothermia's doorstep.
Monday, November 23, 2009
My Poor Mother
I’m realizing that I’m actually enjoying singlehood. A little too much perhaps.
I think of friends who suffer unrequited love or disappointment and frustration with the opposite sex; and others, still, who long to be in “a relationship.”
Maybe finding myself living this Bohemian life – taking baths and living with scarcely any furnishings (or cash to remedy that), no TV or internet at the apartment (yet) – has somehow offered me a rare treasure: Solitude.
I’ve always been a bit of a loner – forever just a tad off center and out of the spotlight; marching (or skipping) to my own tune. Quirky. Trying to find humor and lightness wherever I can… knowing that dark days are bound to visit.
There are those who lose themselves in the fairytales of soul mates. and others who daydream, seeking out their idea of “perfection” in this very imperfect world. Some sulk or beat themselves up and wring their tear-soaked hands, sure that Cupid has missed the mark or forgotten them. In all of this clamor and dizziness, I’m finding the comfort of being alone. Knowing that it is only temporary and completely out of my hands like so many other things in my life, I’m enjoying the freedom of being unattached with new freshness.
I realize that for people like me who are prone to give too much of themselves and wear their resources thin, seasons of solitude are necessary. My head spins and my emotional fortitude wane as I think of how much it would take to care for someone the way he deserves (the way I would want for him to be loved and for him to love me) when I am still learning to love and trust these people who surround me now and slowly re-living this most sacred romance with my Savior.
Some envision falling in love to be a fiery storm of heated passion, whirlwinds that sweep you away and lightning strikes that ferociously land without warning. And, all my imagination can conjure are evenings of quiet, summer breezes: warm and inviting. Or of gentle streams that flow into grand rivers and oceans over time cradling two hearts along their placid currents. All I can do is wonder as I wait… a bit more patiently then before.
I think of friends who suffer unrequited love or disappointment and frustration with the opposite sex; and others, still, who long to be in “a relationship.”
Maybe finding myself living this Bohemian life – taking baths and living with scarcely any furnishings (or cash to remedy that), no TV or internet at the apartment (yet) – has somehow offered me a rare treasure: Solitude.
I’ve always been a bit of a loner – forever just a tad off center and out of the spotlight; marching (or skipping) to my own tune. Quirky. Trying to find humor and lightness wherever I can… knowing that dark days are bound to visit.
There are those who lose themselves in the fairytales of soul mates. and others who daydream, seeking out their idea of “perfection” in this very imperfect world. Some sulk or beat themselves up and wring their tear-soaked hands, sure that Cupid has missed the mark or forgotten them. In all of this clamor and dizziness, I’m finding the comfort of being alone. Knowing that it is only temporary and completely out of my hands like so many other things in my life, I’m enjoying the freedom of being unattached with new freshness.
I realize that for people like me who are prone to give too much of themselves and wear their resources thin, seasons of solitude are necessary. My head spins and my emotional fortitude wane as I think of how much it would take to care for someone the way he deserves (the way I would want for him to be loved and for him to love me) when I am still learning to love and trust these people who surround me now and slowly re-living this most sacred romance with my Savior.
Some envision falling in love to be a fiery storm of heated passion, whirlwinds that sweep you away and lightning strikes that ferociously land without warning. And, all my imagination can conjure are evenings of quiet, summer breezes: warm and inviting. Or of gentle streams that flow into grand rivers and oceans over time cradling two hearts along their placid currents. All I can do is wonder as I wait… a bit more patiently then before.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Dreams Haunt
Somewhere between my waking and sleeping, I had an eery dream that has left its haunting imprint on my soul all day. It lingers now beside me like a faint ghost of what is/should/may come...
I dreamt about my mother -- she was happy and smiley with her loud, boisterous hyena-like laugh ricocheting off the walls and invading the quiet of my mind.
We were celebrating something and anticipating the arrival of many guests, when... they walked in. The people with whom I'd had a bad falling out months ago as summer entered in. They looked happy to see me. I, although nervous, was happy to see them...
I have no idea why these people continue to find their way into my thoughts or why they chose to make an appearance in my dream (a rarity).
I'm baffled and confused.
I don't know what any of this means...
I dreamt about my mother -- she was happy and smiley with her loud, boisterous hyena-like laugh ricocheting off the walls and invading the quiet of my mind.
We were celebrating something and anticipating the arrival of many guests, when... they walked in. The people with whom I'd had a bad falling out months ago as summer entered in. They looked happy to see me. I, although nervous, was happy to see them...
I have no idea why these people continue to find their way into my thoughts or why they chose to make an appearance in my dream (a rarity).
I'm baffled and confused.
I don't know what any of this means...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Hooked on a Feeling...
I've been in a rather chipper mood of late. My bet is that the vibrancy of this Autumn season is waking up parts in me. (Creativity for one. I've been drawing again and have found opportunities to snap photos at a moment's notice.)
However...
In the stillness of the last hours of work (and of Day for that matter), I was suddenly filled with a great sense of worry and fear: In two weeks' time my mom will be going under the knife.
The fear of the Unknown grips me like it did in my youth. Back when my cousins would tell me stories of the Boogey Man and Zombies that would eat my brain.
In all honesty, I don't know what to do or how to shake this feeling. What I do know is that I need off this hook... Pronto!
However...
In the stillness of the last hours of work (and of Day for that matter), I was suddenly filled with a great sense of worry and fear: In two weeks' time my mom will be going under the knife.
The fear of the Unknown grips me like it did in my youth. Back when my cousins would tell me stories of the Boogey Man and Zombies that would eat my brain.
In all honesty, I don't know what to do or how to shake this feeling. What I do know is that I need off this hook... Pronto!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Moving. Being. Changing.
It’s fall – one of my favorite times of year.
Sitting here at my desk, looking out onto the lake and the geese drifting about, I had a flashback to this time last year when I drove along the Blue Route on my way to visit with EuroRebs.
I remember where my heart was then: Pained and exhausted; broken and helpless; searching for moments to breathe, to be at peace; hopeless and desperate for change; almost too far gone and at my wits end. Frazzled.
Driving along that long lonely stretch of road, I was struck dumb by the fiery leaves of Penn’s Woods. Reds and golds and maroons, greens and browns – colors so vivid that my heart couldn’t help but sigh and appreciate life, however hard it was.
Looking back now, I’m amazed and so deliciously humbled and thankful. That broken, tired, hungry girl I was for so long is slowly maturing, slowly growing into herself and finding the joy, peace and comfort that come when you jump into the fiery fields and gleefully molt the old parts so the new ones might sprout through the debris.
It’s odd though. I just spent a moment in the ladies room teary-eyed, strangely sorrowful that I’m no longer the Annie we all once knew. Like that old pair of ratty jeans or that nearly threadbare but oh-so-cozy sweatshirt you just can’t get rid of, I’m finding it hard to let go of her. To let go of her is to close the chapter on a story that was so familiar and predictable. (I wonder if I’d just become accustomed to pain. How very strange.)
People close to me have discovered - long before I had even realized - that I’ve changed and am not who I once was. They tell me in puzzled fashion how I seem more at peace – happier, lighter and calmer than I was before; that moving to this random city we all knew so little about was actually the best thing for me.
Surprise, surprise!
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Surprises Around Every Corner
I’ve had a lot on my mind the last few days. A huge opportunity that I’d never asked for just sort of plopped in my lap on Friday and has been looming on my conscious for a better part of the weekend.
It’s odd when things like this happen because, well… they never happen to me. I’ve never been one for whom things came easily. Everything required some amount of pleading and praying, pain and sacrifice, patience and crossed fingers. But this? It came straight out of the blue, perfectly wrapped in pretty paper, almost too good to be true.
It scares me to realize that, at this stage of my life, nothing is holding me back. I have no huge obligations or responsibilities. Nothing. No one. I am as free as a bird, and it’s terrifying.
Last night I cried in the bathroom, pleading with God to give me some reason to stay here in Nashville.
As weird as it sounds, there are parts of me that want for someone to beg me to stay. (A bit of my romantic side coming through, I suppose.) I want for a gallant knight to come running after me, and, with tears streaming down his face, grab my hand and tell me that his world would end without me near. Sadly… that’s not the case. At all. Hardly.
As I shared the news with friends here, there was this small sliver of hope that someone would express their deep heartache at the thought of me leaving so soon after arriving. But, that hasn’t really been the case. Instead, they have been... supportive. [gasp!] One friend was even as bold as to advise me to run after any and every opportunity that this life may throw at you. You can always come back is what he said. But, I can’t chase the wind like he does or jump headfirst into the rabbit hole. The fear of dying, of failing, of getting lost in the shuffle is enough to have me running for safety.
It’s so strange that this comes now. Now, that I’m finding my footing. Now, that I’m learning to enjoy my life here. Now, that I’m falling in love with my church and these friends who’ve etched out little niches in this tiny heart of mine.
And, I have to ask in all honesty, Why now, God? After three years of waiting and watching Him open doors to come here… Why… now? I’ve only been here six months. A blip in the radar. A mere paragraph’s worth in what I thought would be a chapter of my life. I feel as if the story, in many ways, has yet to fully unfold.
It's true, I can always come back. But... to what? Who knows how the sands of time will mark us (me) or how distance will loosen heartstrings? I already feel the strain of change in my relationships with the people back home in Philly. And Nashville, I am afraid, is just as transient a city as Philadelphia. As hard as I may try to keep in the loop, it's inevitable that phone calls and emails will be missed or spread apart as I live my life and you live yours.
I honestly don't know what (or to whom) I'd be returning.
I think of my friend Cameron and the tough decisions he needed to make when he was preparing to leave for the Peace Corps. He'll be away for two more years, and I wonder at the anxiety he felt as he realized that life would continue without him here, that he (this city and everyone else for that matter) would be different.
Reason would tell me that I should take the opportunity and run with it, gain all the experience I can, tuck it under my belt and head back here or onward to some other city. Caution tells me to tread softly – that to leave this position I’ve now had for a mere 4 months would be professional suicide. It tells me that I need to stay at least a year, gain experience, investigate and search out opportunities to work with the existing refugee populations and use these resources to the best of my abilities. And Faith tells me that either decision will be for His glory in the end. There are no mistakes in the grand story of Grace, after all.
It’s all too confusing. And, I’m having mild panic attacks. Daily.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)