My friends' wedding has come and gone. Months of planning, researching, scheduling and countless discussions are done and over with. My job as "the wedding planner" is over.
I'm relieved/exhausted. Wanderlust.
I told myself I'd hold out until this next week is over. Hold on and hold my breath a little longer before I blow out these candles and slowly turn the page to the hopes and wishes that await me. Before I take wobbly steps forward to a life fully my own.
For the past year or so I've been perusing Craigslist. Looking at apartments and job openings in a few cities I've eagerly wanted to go to for over a year now. Creating imaginary budgets. Daydreaming about finally seeing something other than these all-too-familiar bleach-white walls of this ho-hum life of mine. My stomach flutters a little like it does when you catch the glance of that guy you've been crushing over all semester-long.
But things are coming up.
Family obligations again.
Fear of failure.
Fear I won't be accepted or fit in.
It's those same feelings I had my very first days of high school and summer camp.
[FYI: I've been known to be quite wall-flowerish and awkward at first. Some have mistaken my silence for snobbery.]
There are days I wonder if I should just do it. Go for it now and not wait 'til the spring like I'd originally planned.
But...
I must wait. Hold out a little longer. Cushion the finances a little more.
Plus, I like the idea of leaving in Spring. It's a time of new beginnings and fresh skies.
I like that.
I need that.
It may be what's keeping me going in this Cloroxed, sterile life.
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