MobWars

In the course of a few days I, as my alter ego "Art DeckO" have...

• acquired more (virtual) money than I have all year working in Crazytown, USA (aka my office)... [but, alas... man cannot live on virtual bread alone!]
• bought a lot and built a stately villa upon it [too bad I can't decorate it]
• racketeered
• robbed many liquor stores
• mugged a whole lotta imaginary people

Ah... vive los Sopranos! (not really)

It's All Goode aka "Flitter-Flatter (Don't laugh)"

I thought it high time for some lightheartedness here. So, ladies and... ladies (I don't think any boys read this), may I present to you Mr. Matthew Goode:


I think this man is absolutely lovely! Dark hair. Grey eyes. Dimpled Smile. Tall. British.



Now, if only he could sing and play the guitar, he'd be a shoe-in. For sure.

[Don't laugh! I'm already doing enough of that for all of us!]

Speechless.

The OM just called a short while ago with some very sad news.  The husband of the woman I've continually had issues with since her start in April has passed.  He had a heart attack.  He leaves behind his 2 young children, his wife and his insurmountable debt.

I feel for her and her children.  I am numb with guilt as I've been so cold and un-Christianlike with her since the start.  It's been a struggle to understand her and show patience.  

But, now? ... all that remains here is guilt.

'You say, "Everything is different." '

And, all I want to do is hold on,

but days like this make it so difficult

So

so

difficult

Music and Laughter (is all that I'm after)

I'd hoped for a light, peaceful week. Unfortunately, my boss thought different. Per his usual nonsense, he continued driving everyone in the office nuts with his disorganization, lack of focus and thoughtfulness. He made my blood boil and my head ache and caused the OM's stomach to turn and knot.

Thankfully, a friend by what I can only attribute to providence, has planned an imprompt night of relaxation. Tonight we shall picnic and watch the fireworks and fireflies fly to the music of Tchaikovsky. It'll be brilliant.

Thank you, Lord!

Gravity (Music. Books)

This afternoon I made a somewhat impromptu visit out to a friend's bookstore, Gravity, about an hour away in Exeter, PA. While there he and I chatted briefly about music, new artists, my opinion of the layout, etc. Two hours later I left. $60 poorer, but 3 books, 1 gift and 1 CD richer.

I cracked open my newly purchased CD, and played the first disc, Jon Foreman's "Fall. Winter" on repeat the entire way home. I couldn't have found a more perfect companion on the long, windy, sunny drive home.

Last week was torture. This week, however, has the beginnings of of looking up.

Enter the Floodgates

My boss pulled me aside at the end of the day and "explained" the need for my shortened hours. Then, he asked me for my input on the matter. He shouldn't have...

As I started to tell about him about the financial problems facing my family, I could feel the burning of tears forming in my eyes. And, though I tried to fight them off, they came forth. They flooded my eyes, ears, throat, mouth, head and nose until I was this snotty mess of mucous.

They continued after our conversation had ended. Kept their route as I packed up my things and closed down my computer for the night. They lingered all the way home, through my "dinner" and now as I sit and type this. They keep coming forth like droplets falling from leaky faucets.

I don't know where they come from, these tears. It's as if my body has hoarded every tear on God's green earth and was waiting for the right moment to open the floodgates.

I am worn. Weathered. Though my eyes are wet with tears, my spirit is suffocatingly parched in this drought it finds itself in...

OK, I'm gonna retreat to the comfort of my bed and hide myself under the covers. Hopefully, it won't be a puffy-eyed, raspy creature that reemerges, but a renewed, refreshed being beaming with the light of hope.


Hopefully.

Sleepless in Philadelphia

I went to bed at my normal hour (2:15am). Unfortunately, I was startled awake a mere 3 hours later, jostled by a mind that had decidedly become aware of all the problems I'd thought I'd packed away for the night:

• Mom's financial woes - the reality that she may have to file for bankruptcy if business doesn't pick up.
• Mom's (failing) health, exacerbated by the above financial straints
• My unhappiness at work and in life
• My wanting (and needing) to move away, so I can finally breathe, but feeling chained here because of family obligation (refer to 1 and 2 of list)
• Guilt over the growing resentment that boils inside me at any given moment
• Wondering about what lies ahead and wishing for signs of life
• An odd sense of envy as I watch (from afar) as others find themselves on the other side of the rainbow while I sit in the gloom of rainstorms

I know there is Rest here, somewhere in the midst of all of this. I just wish someone would MapQuest it for me...

Don't It Make My Brown [Shoes Red]

I'm tired.

I cried for no reason, briefly (thankfully) on Saturday as I made my way home from a friend's 40th birthday party. Afterwards, as an attempt to self-medicate, I went shoe shopping, finding the pair of dark red, peep toe pumps I'd been looking for forever, only to realize later that night, while standing in line for some gelato, that they were BROWN.

Maybe that's what I'm to learn in this weird place I find myself... To re-evaluate the things I've been living for/in. Maybe in the light of His glory, they won't look like what I'd hoped for after all. Maybe they'll fail in comparison to what is to come if only I hold on a little longer and/or take a leap of faith.

And maybe, just maybe, a friend will come along to offer a word of encouragement and call these brown shoes "Indian Red" to make me/you feel just a little bit better...

As the AllState commercials say: "I'm there."

Sigh...

I've been in a bad place lately. I want to blame hormones or the humidity or even the possible minor ear infection I had last week. There is a burden on my shoulders. An invisible stranglehold on what I had hoped was this thing called "living" that had only just reached it's infancy.

Somewhere in the back of my mind and the deepest parts of my heart I wonder if this is where Faith meets us. Not in the moments of sunshine and laughter, but in those few moments when troubles sweep over and we find ourselves in its eclipse. This is where I find myself today. Stuck where I don't want to be. Knowing that better awaits. Running in circles as I try to live and yet be the good, dutiful, sacrificial daughter that my heritage demands of me.

No Lo Comprendo

The OM just pulled me aside. This is what she had to tell me:

Listen. Peter meant to tell you this in 30 seconds. He appreciates you. We all do, but since things are so slow here, you're only going to come in 2 or 3 days a week. OK? It's only until September when this get crazy again. And Peter said he would help you with unemployment, so you should look into that. OK?

Awesome.


Does anyone know of any normal jobs/working environments? My patience is wearing thin here. THIN.

Oopsie Daze-y

Yesterday after church - and a quick lunch with Sarah, Sonja and Robert - I headed off to work to help prepare for a wedding reception my company was hired to cater. I arrived home around 11:45pm supremely exhausted, covered in a film of sweat, sugar and wine and in dire need of a shower.

HOWEVER, instead of taking a shower and going to bed at a somewhat normal hour, I lay there in my bed. Unable to move. Drained yet unable to sleep. So, I did what any normal person would do - watched some disturbing fact-based psychodrama called "An American Crime" starring Ellen Page.

I fell asleep sometime around 3:30am.

I'm at the office, but am pretty sure the brain has gone fishing...

Lord, help me...

Pho Real

Tonight was an interesting one. One full of laughs and tears.

I shared my "story" with SW over bowls of Pho (Vietnamese noodles). I shared a lot. More than I thought I would. But it was good to get it out, even if it meant inviting someone into the mess that is my life at times.

We unhinged the closet door and let the skeletons out. I placed each one neatly across the table for her to see. And, where I expected judgement and "advice", I found acceptance, empathy and love.

And, there in the middle of that tiny restaurant on a hot summer night, slurping noodles and broth, watching as the rain swept through the city streets, we cried. It was a moment, a moment between two strangers-then-acquaintances-now-sisters.

Too Broke for Baroque...

I just saw this and drooled a bit:

Update

I've just sent in my resume for the aforementioned position.

Now, the waiting/praying/hoping/nail-biting begins...

Too Good to Be True? (Quite Possibly)

While doing my daily rounds through the ol' Craigslist job posts, I came across an awesome opportunity.  It blends my supreme analness and control-freakdom with my love of music and art.  And it quite possibly might finally bring me to "Music City" ...  Finally.

I'm scared and excited.  Relieved yet self-conscious.  What if I'm rejected?  What if I'm under-qualified like I'm pretty sure I am considering all the Music Business grads peeling through the gates of the job market race.  

I wonder if I'm good enough.  I fear I'll fail...  And yet, I can't believe the window God's opening before me...

Wish me luck.  I think I may need a galaxy's worth of prayers for this doozie! 

If You Happen to Be in Philly Tonight...

Please consider coming out and showing your support for this event. And, if you're just a little to far out to come, feel free to read up on organization to learn ways you might be able to help.

Ugh.

Today was murderously taxing. Didn't eat (save for a bowl of Cheerios this morning). Didn't drink more than a cup of coffee and about a glass's worth of milk (also with breakfast) all day. Witnessed my obnoxious boss demean people because of his constant lack of organization or priority.

And the only thing that cheered me up all day was this.  Enjoy!

Thunder. Lightning...

... The way You love me is frightening.

Last night we had a brief reprieve from the staunch heat while a thunderstorm blew through Philadelphia.

Last night I did something I hadn't done in years: Sat and watched the lightning pierce through the night sky.

Lightning and thunder have always amazed me. The unexpected power and ferocity in which they rush is so captivating. 

Oddly enough this stolen moment spent storm-gazing there at my windowsill, brought a rush of peace and stillness to my soul, which was much needed (and appreciated).

And for a second there, I had a "Are You there, God? It's me, [Annie]" moment.

Even in the harried craziness of life, be still, child... and know that I AM GOD.

The Heat is On...

I was just outside running an errand for work and all I have to say of the heat is:

UNGODLY!
SINFUL!
VICIOUS!
EEEEEVIL!

It's blazing out. I mean, my skin felt like it was going to singe or melt off my body. That's how hot it is outside.

I'm holding onto the hopes that heaven is a forever-Spring day.